The Girl With the Chocolate Dreams

The Winter With The Wehlands

2012-01-25T22:31:00.001-06:00

HelloBlog Friends, I apologize that January has been such a lacking month,but I've been extremely busy with (no offense) more important things.2012 has already started as a very magical year. It began with thewinter wedding of my best friend in the entire world Amanda.

Eversince we were young Amanda and I would spend hours on the phone. Inhigh school it was talking about Sonshine and crushes. When we wentoff to college it was our boyfriends.As long as I can remember wewould always imagine what our wedding days would look like. Iremember hours of sleepovers telling each other fairy tales of extravagant proposals and amazing wedding days we wished for eachother. This winter I got the honor of actually witnessing her weddingday and it was beautiful. Here has been my whimsical and wonderfulJanuary so far. It has been such a beautiful blessing.

January7^th2012: Amanda's Bridal Shower

Asthe maid of honor I know that this was a part of my job, but I am sovery grateful to Amanda's new family in laws for putting togethersuch a beautiful afternoon for us ladies. I am still in my poorcollege phase of life and with my new job and everyone's conflicting schedules it was difficult to plansuch an event. I felt guilty because I imagined when Amanda gotmarried I would be in a better place financially. I had just starteda new job and needed to prove myself in order to keep the job beyondseasonal time. However excuses aside, I am again grateful for Sara,Patty, and Jan. They made a delicious meal of salad and lasana for usto enjoy. We played normal shower games and then came gift opening. Ihad gotten Amanda and Mitch a hot beverage themed gift. It included atea pot they had registered for, two bride and groom mugs, and sometreats to share on cold winter nights together. Sara got a bath basket that included a beautiful puzzle. All in all it was agreat start to Wedding Month.

January14^th,2012: Amanda's Bachelorette Party!

SaraKeute gets so much credit. She came up with the idea to go to PsychoSuzie's which is a tiki bar down town. All of us ladies had a greatnight getting crazy with Amanda her last weekend before becoming amarried lady. Sara and I went to Spencers and Party City and gottiki themed leas for the bride as well as ourselves. We each got funand sexy 'gag' gifts for the bride. That Saturday night was a blastand full of memories of Volcano drinks and fun titled drinks. Awonderful night to cut loose before the Wedding.

January20^th,21^st,and 22nd 2012: THE BIG DAY: The Wehland Wedding

Ok...There is so much to explain so I will try not to bore you, but whentalking about weddings I tend to get animated so I doubt it will beboring.

Fridaywe all met up to make flower arrangements and afterwards we went toOsaka for the Groom's dinner. It was such a wonderful night beforethe wedding and I am grateful to Mitch's mother (whatever motives)for paying for everyone's meals. We did a quick hair test and wereoff to bed to 'try' and get some rest before THE BIG DAY.

Saturdaymorning it was up early for Amanda and I as I dropped her off at hernail appointment. I had to stop by my house to pick up a few things(including my speech) and then picked Amanda up to go back to Sara's.Quickly hopped into the shower, got my hair done, and headed toAmanda's house to meet up before heading to the hotel. Picked upAmanda's wedding dress and headed to the Americainn in Chanhassen,MN. Blessing upon blessing it was only five minutes from the DinnerTheater. All of us ladies got ready ate a great lunch of Jimmy Johnsand then it was SHOWTIME!

Amandalook beyond beautiful in her wedding dress. Words cannot explain howbreathtaking a bride looks the day she gets married and I expected noless of Amanda. Standing with her father I had to stop myself fromcrying because I was beyond happy for her and I could see in herwhole body language how happy she was as well. We all walked down theaisle to Train's “Marry Me.” The wedding was beautiful andpersonal; every bit a piece of who Mitch and Amanda Wehland are. Itwas such a magical experience to see two wonderful souls bondedtogether. We took pictures after the ceremony and then ate dinner.Amanda's dad Pete made such a beautiful toast that I couldn't keep mytears in much longer. I was proud that I my speech came out well. Iwas slightly nervous that it would be a little long, but it wasperfect essence of passing along and giving my best friend away toher new husband (and newest best friend). A part of us will always bebest friends, but I knew in that moment that this was a big change.Although she has always took my opinions and thoughts into account itwould be Mitch that she would now consult with on her big lifedecisions. I know that his wishes the best for her and I feel a safe certainty for her now.

Sundaythere was an ice storm, but we made it to the gift opening. I gotMitch and Amanda a personalized Welcome Mat.

Wellthat concludes this post because I don't want it to be too long. Iwill promise to write more in February. As a little preview I am suremany entries will be about a boy.

Loveand Great Wishes to
Mr. and Mrs. Mitch and Amanda Wehland.

This is the New Year!

2012-01-01T22:46:00.000-06:00

“Tellme everything that happened, tell me everything you saw.
They hadlights inside their eyes; they had lights inside their eyes.
Didyou see the closing window, did you hear the slamming door?
Please,please tell me what they looked like, did they seem afraid ofyou?
They were kids that I once knew. They were kids that I onceknew.”

HelloFellow Bloggers and Friends. Welcome to 2012!

Ispent New Years weekend working and yet even when the days felt superlong I was aware of how lucky I am to have a job while so many othersdo not. After working 8 – 4:30 I was tired and glad to be able tospend the last moments of 2011 in the quiet of my home. As the snow blew all over the place I enjoyed anamazing surf & turf. Then later as the ball dropped some friendscame over to drink wine and eat yummy desserts. All in all it waswhat I needed after this past year. Time to reflect; time to rememberall the things I've done and time to think about what learned fromthis truly inspiring year. A time to say goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012.

I'velived this entire year single and surprisingly completely happy. Yes there weretimes when my heart wished for more, but 2011 was about teaching myheart the meaning of true patience. This year there was no crying, noworrying, no wishing for someone to act different and grow up. It was the first year in awhile Ididn't have to constantly think about how someone else's bad decisionswere going to effect my life. An complete year where I was able to live a very simple and beautifullife. Let us just say I was able to appreciate the simpler things and the amazing people in my life. I enjoyed it. I was able to focus on my happiness;not in a selfish way, but in how my existence can put true joy in others.2011 was a year of survival for me; I learned how to survive despiteeverything that had plagued my heart and all the scars 2010 had leftme with. I made goals, I crossed things off my bucket list and I metso many people that helped make 2011 one of the better ones.

Oneof the best things 2011 has taught me is how to truly rely on God'swisdom. How to trust him with my whole heart. I know I can often belike a stubborn child, but this year I've been blessed with awonderful peace when it comes to God. This year myrelationship with God got stronger with each passing day of 2011. Iwas able to go to Camp Green Lake as the craft manager this summer and share theinsightful ways of Jesus with children and teens of all ages. I gotto share and remember why God goals for me should be my number onepriority. I met others that helped inspire me in so many ways. It is really amazing how much closer I have been able toget to God when there isn't someone to tear me away or become adistraction. I will find the man one day that will encourage my lovefor God instead of make it seem like a burden.

2011was a good year and it makes me believe that 2012 will be evenbetter. I am excited for 2012. I've always enjoyed the freshness thatevery January brings. I already have so many beautiful plans and ifthis is any indication I'm blessed beyond anything I can imagine. I'mexcited for Amanda and Mitch's wedding. I'm excited to really getinto my new job. I'm excited to not know what exactly I'm excitedfor. However knowing that God is here to protect me, love me, andguide me should make me excited.

SoI am going to write another bucket list, adding the tasks I haven'taccomplished yet as well:

2012Bucket List

Finish2 classics before 2013

Joina book club

Bea kick ass Maid of Honor and write an amazing speech

SingKaraoke

Gosee Hot Chelle Rae

Savemore $

Goto a Nice Dinner By Myself This Summer

Goto MORE Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Crasha wedding

Geta tattoo before if not on my 24^th birthday

Breakfastat Tiffany's

Sewa Quilt

Learnto Make Sushi

Readmore Non-fiction books

Makedinner at least once a week

Learnto can my own things (such as jams)

Eatnew foods (like caviar)

Cookmyself around the world

Anongoing one that will never stop being on the list

BETTERMYSELF AND THE WORLD

“Anotheryear you made a promise, another chance to turn it all around.

Donot save this for tomorrow; embrace the past and you can live fornow.

Iwill give the world to you !”

Ihope you all have a wonderful New Year in 2012! Here's to the goalsGod has for us. Here's to the now 5000+ songs on my Ipod. To themovies I look forward to seeing (Hunger Games and Breaking Dawn Part2). Here's to the people that will cross my path, to the way theymight effect my life, and here's to keeping my heart pure no matterwhat dilemmas it will face. Here is to being the best people we canbe.

Here'sto a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Time Has Come

2011-12-25T19:51:00.005-06:00

Firstof all Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope today is a blessing forall of you reading. Today is the day of Jesus's birth and I know I amblessed for his presence in my life.

Lastyear I made a list. A bucket list of things I wanted to do in my lifeand I told myself I would try to accomplish as many as I could thisyear. With the year coming to a close a week from tonight. I thoughtit would be the perfect moment to chronicle the progress I made throughout the year.

Readthe Classics: My first goal was an ambitious one. I assumed that itwould also be the easiest, but alas it was one of those things Ididn't get to accomplish. I did start reading Anna Karenina at thebeginning of the summer, but never finished it. Maybe next year Iwill read a classic?

Dance/Kissin the Rain: I wish that I had found someone to kiss me in the rain,but you know what I will settle for falling in love in the rain. Thissummer I met a boy. One night during a storm soaking wet I realized Iloved him. Sadly the love was never reciprocated and one raining dayin September as I drove home shortly after my twenty-third birthday Isaw that the boy would never love me back and I moved on. The rainhad so much to do and I consider this an accomplishment. I hope thisisn't a one time thing, I hope that I can find joy in all rainy dayswhether they are literal or metaphorical.

Starta Bible Study: Although I never did get around to that other blog, mydevotion to the bible was not something that fell to the wayside. Infact I spent an entire summer studying it with children of all ages.In recent weeks I have even started getting a verse of the day. It ishas been a wonderful guidance to even the most sad of moments. It hasreally helped with my trust in God's plan for me.

Starta Book Club: Maybe I'm too young for this, maybe I just never foundthe time, but I hope one day I will get to fulfill this goal.

SingKaraoke: I wasn't brave enough... someday.

Goto a Random Concert: On September 25^th I got to go see abunch of local bands including a band called My Lady Four. I had beenat Cheepo and kind of in a hurry, but decided to listen to some ofthe local sounds and heard My Lady Four's new album; In this Life orthe Next. I loved it so much that I bought it that day. ThatSeptember I went to the random concert and it was a blast.

Takea Small Trip: In April I braved my fears of driving long distancesand took my first small trip to River Falls to see my best friendAmanda. In May I left for the two hour trip to Willmar to start myjourney at Camp Green Lake. Last I finally took the trip to see myGrandmother in Poplar, WI for the first time. Gas station food, loadmusic playing on the radio or through my ipod connecter, and my GPSnavigated by Daria. It was fun to be able to drive myself places andremember that I don't need a boy to drive me around in order tosurvive.

Bea Camp Counselor: I wrote this goal before applying to Camp thissummer and it was the best decision I could have made. I was able tomeet wonderful people and touch a lot of kids lives. It was amazing!

GoOut and Meet New People: Along with the camp experience I met a lotof new people and made lifelong friends. Another experience was aconcert on October 25^th. I went to go see Parachute andKate Voegele. I met three wonderful fellow fans. I also got to meetKate Voegele which was wonderful after seeing her on One Tree Hill.

Goour to a Nice Dinner By Myself: I have not done this yet. I was goingto go this summer on July 22^nd,2011. However I was busy that day and didn't get the chance since.One day I will.

Eatat Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives: One day with my friend Shawn we wentto Sonic after Pawn America. I love getting hot dogs and the car sideDrive In type places. Then I went to a Diner called Fat Nat's Eggswith Kenan in May.

DyeMy Hair: This summer when I had a day off I went to Fantastic Samsand I got fuchsia highlights in my hair. It was the first time I'veever dyed my hair and I like the way it grew out and blended into mynatural hair color since.

Geta Tattoo: I've been trying to get a tattoo for quite awhile now.First I was going to get one for my 22^ndbirthday. Then I needed to wait because I could have tattoos at Camp.I was going to get one on my 23^rdbirthday, but it was too chaotic and I needed to save money because Ididn't have a job.

Breakfastat Tiffanys: One Day (I need to get to Tiffany's first)

Seea Sunrise with Someone Special: When I made this goal I wished forsomeone special to be a boy that would be by my side. It neverhappened, the boy never came. However I am blessed because I didn'tjust get to see it with one special person, but a whole group. Thelast night of camp the Green Lake Staff all stayed up and talked. Notwanting to go to sleep because then it would be over. The wholesummer and the whole nine weeks we had been a family. We saw thatlast sunrise together. It was better than I imagined it way back lastJanuary.

SewMore: I made all sorts of things and I bought materials for manyprojects. I hope one day I can finish them.

Sothere it is. I'm glad I made this list as a bucket list, because itgives me the opportunity to live my life embracing it. I have more toadd to the list and I hope that I can continue to accomplish them.

Havea Merry Christmas. Talk to you Next Year! (I have always enjoyed thatcheesy joke.) Good Night and God Bless.

What I've Learned Thus Far (My 200th Blog)

2011-12-11T22:50:00.001-06:00

 It seems so astonishing to me that I have been keeping a blog since I was about fifteen. It started off as this silly little thing and yet it has saved me more than I could have ever imagined. When I have feelings to sort out it has been my online outlet for so many things. From beautiful fleeting memories of youth to frustrating moments of broken hearts and stupid boys. I have thought a lot about what I wanted to say in this monumental entry. I guess I want to share what two-hundred entries have done for my life. I've learned so much about so many things and I want to share those lessons with the blog world.

I am a Survivor: Throughout these years and the past two-hundred blog entries I've learned that broken hearts are just a part of growing up. My first one was at seventeen, my second two within a year at the ripe age of twenty-two. I've learned that it is hard to pick up pieces and put them back together all by yourself. However I know that I'm not alone and that God is the glue that mends all of my heartaches.

Life is NOT Fair: It isn't fair that things happen. People hurt you, betray your trust and leave you with scars while they flee without so much as a scratch. People lie, cheat, steal everyday. People say mean things and sometimes we have to say good bye to things we love in order to grow to love bigger and better things. Sometimes we believe we need so many worthless things, when all we need is to just take a deep breath and think clearly. Life is what you make it. There are times in our lives where we want something so badly and are disappointed when it doesn't happen. Later we realize what small blessings those 'unanswered prayers' really are for us.I am beautiful and couregous: I'm a different kind of girl and sometimes I've allowed myself to forget that the parts of myself that make me different are the ones that also make me truly beautiful. It is because the nerdy parts of myself make me unique and special. The ones that can embrace it deserve to be a part of my life and the ones that take for these traits for granted just simply don't. 

The Best Heart Cure is a Hot Cup of Tea: It doesn't matter what has happened, some days I find myself lost, hurt, alone, and just kind of sad. In these moments I love to sit down and have a nice hot cup of tea. Whether it is because of sickness or heartache a nice hot beverage makes me feel like I'm close and warm in the world. It is kind getting a hug when the world is cold. Tea is one of those things that also makes you feel fancy and European. With a tray a cookies or those cute little cucumber sandwiches you feel like you are in another place; almost like a fairy tale. I high recommend the purity of tea. It does really cleanse the spirit. 

A Year is Only One Year:  I've had some pretty interesting years since I started my blog. In 2006 I had a year where I was bombarded with the stress of a broken heart. 2007 gave me back in hope and a new boyfriend. 2008 – 2009 where years of confusion and feelings of being lost. 2010 a year of so much pain and betrayal. 2011 although not how I imagined it was going to be was fairly good as I see it come to a close. I have great memories of learning who I was as a young women. What I've realized is that you can make promises to yourself, wish on the days of a calendar, but you can never plan how a year is going to go. Some may leave you broken and others may lift you up. However I've learn it is only a year and after 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days you get a new one. You get a clean slate and a chance to either sit around moping about the end of the previous year (whether for good or bad reasons) or you get to embrace what the New Years has in store for you. A year is only a year. It might seem like forever, but it really isn't and you should embrace each year as much as you can. Even in the hardest lessons we learn so much and we don't have that many years. So we should enjoy them while they are here.

Music is a Saving Grace: I've written music blogs, I continue to add to a high music collection, and I make playlists for every mood or moment of my life. Music is something I have a deep passionate love for. It is how I worship my Savior and I believe it is his gift. It is his way of getting his messages across to me. I have always been one of those moody people ever since I was a teenager. Whenever I was upset I'd listen to a CD or specifically collection of songs and I'd be able to feel better. I'm the girl that can't help but dance around her living room. I listen to music while I cook. Music is just a presence that I need to have around me. I think I'd cry if I lost my sense of hearing and am blessed every single day that I have it. 

I don't want this to be too long, but those are the six things I've found throughout reading past blogs. Those are the lessons I've learned from being a blogger. These are the things that have always been constant no matter how many blogs I write. 

This is my 200th Blog. Now I'm going to go enjoy a nice hot chai latte. Remember life is about all the little things that will eventually end to be those big moments. Have faith and things will be the way you need them. Just pray and believe in yourself. 

           Good Night: The Girl With The Chocolate Dreams

Trust Me

2011-12-02T00:01:00.001-06:00

Trustis something I have often struggled with. From my first broken heartto the broken promises from High School, and finally the biggestbetrayal my heart has ever faced. I can honestly say it has not beenan easy thing to trust people. I'm exhausted of putting my hopes intothings that are uncertain and bitter. I'm tired of fake friends andladder climbers. I don't want to always wonder about who I can trust.I am ashamed to admit it, but perhaps it is a normal occurrence inyour twenties. But in my darkest moments I have lost my trust inGod's plan for me. I know when I was at the furthest point from Godback in college that it was because of my own selfishness and my hopein a boyfriend that could never earn the trust I gave him. A boy thatmight have never deserved it in the first place? I put my trust inthe wrong people, the wrong things, when instead I should have putmore trust in my Heavenly Father.

Iam at an interesting point in my life now. I am twenty-three andcompletely lost, but in God I'm content. I think most people are lostin their early twenties. Trying to balance the thin line betweenliving and paying crippling bills. I'm learning the true meaning ofputting my trust in God and not relying on my own understanding. Inthe back of my mind I've always had a deep sense of trust in God andhis existence in my life. However I suppose I have struggled whenlaying down my own ideas and letting go in order for God to write myplans. I do see more and more each day that God will never give memore than I can handle. I find great peace in the proverbs and solacein many pages of my bible.

Oneexample of God working productively is my new job. I was on the vergeof despair in finding a job. Not only did I get a phone call for aninterview in my eleventh hour, but also a job offer. I am so gratefulto God for this opportunity. It is hard and fast work, but I love it.Eight hours a day seem to go by quickly and I have been reminded ofwhy I fell in love with the baking industry in the first place. Rightnow I'm just seasonal, but I am hoping that my job performance andpositive no-quit attitude will allow me to carry on past the seasonalpoint. I am trusting that God knows what I want and what I need. Thedesires inside of my heart.

Ihave struggled very much with God's plan for my heart when it comesto love. I thought God guided me towards someone this summer, butmaybe it was for different reasons than I thought. Maybe I was soconcern about the destination that I took for granted the message orjourney God was giving me. I'm not going to lie, my heart has beenput through so much lately. The types of situations I've had to dealwith in the past three years are enough to make any heart collapse,but yet my beautiful heart keeps beating. This is because of God'sstrength in me and the fact that even on my weakest days I have theability to get stronger.

Itis about faith. That is what faith is: that unwavering trust in God. Ineed to have more faith with my whole heart that God will find me alove that deserves me someday. I pray that he can remind me I justneed to be more patient. I hope In the meantime he can allow me tofind happiness in the littlest things and hope in those seeminglyhopeless situations. I have a deep sense of hope in the fact that Godwill allow me to keep this job long term so that I can focus on otherthings than boys right now. I'm learning about being a woman ofindependence. It seems kind of silly I know to explain that I want tohave a relationship, but want nothing to do with guys right now. I'mlonely and I am not afraid to say it because I know that God didn'tmean for my to be alone. I need to appreciate God's love for me inits fullness before I can find that feeling with a person. Maybe thatwas one thing I can forgive James for, because maybe that is what Ineed to do right now.

SoI'm going to listen, love, hope, wish, pray in God with all of myheart. I can hear it now. God saying to me "Trust me."

O LORD, ... be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord.

— Psalm 35:22-23 (NIV)

How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World

2011-11-13T20:58:00.001-06:00

Ijust finished a highly inspiring book. It is called 'How to be aHepburn in a Hilton World.' by Jordan Christy. I totally recommendthis book for: The girls that are tired of watching girls likeLindsay Lohan and Hedi Montag cover the pages of magazines just forbeing hot messes. This book is for the girls who understand they aredifferent and want to let their inner Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kellyout. Realizing that the classy girl does actually do it better. Hereare my own personal lessons from the book. If you read it I hope youlearn your own lessons as well.

Lesson1: Keep Your Chin Up and Skirt Down

I'vealways been a different breed of girl. Even back in high school I was never theparty girl that was out every Friday and Saturday night. In fact Iwasn't ever invited and back then I always pouted about this, but I'mlearning quickly throughout my twenties that those things were notnecessary to my survival as a woman. Not going to those parties andnot hanging with those types of people allowed me to become a moreclassier breed of girl. I'm the one that is modest both body andsoul.I'm the one that is going to go farther than my trashier peers.

Lesson2: Words Words Words

I'vealways been a girl of many words. However I like those words to meansomething that is why I enjoy reading and being informed. Here is asmall list of my favorite books that have shaped both my vocabularyand my thoughts on life, love, and happiness.

Catcher in the Rye – By J.D. Salinger
13 Little Blue Envelopes – Maureen Johnson
13 Reasons Why – Jay Asher
Hunger Games Trilogy – Suzanne Collins
Just Listen – Sarah Dessen

Iknow I've mentioned most of these books before, but I also want torepeat that these are the books that have changed my life. They allowme to think differently, hope for the hopeless situations and look atthe world through new eyes. They have turned me into the classy girlI am.

Lesson3: Elbow Grease

Havegoals and dreams are important to a classy girl's life. The troublecomes when trying to execute those things. Nothing is handed to youand even the girls born with the silver spoon need to be hardworkingand loyal in order to have some sort of grace. It doesn't matter what kind of family you were born into or whatyou do for a living it is important to have things and destinationsyou want out of life. It is important to know that you must work to get these things accomplished. Nobody can do the work for you. Here are some of my goals for my classy,stylish, and graceful life.

Live in a crappy old apartment and fix it up.
Go to Ireland.
Get married, stay married and have a successful marriage.
Have children and teach those children the wellness of life by being around.
Have wonderful dinners whenever I can so I can keep in touch with friendships.

Thesegoals and dreams don't just come, they are a reward for the hard workand dedication you do to get them. I want to gain integrity and happiness by making theworld a little brighter for our future. I want to earn what I get andeven though it isn't the most fun at times it is something I willlook back on with fond pride.

Lesson4: Choose Your Friends Wisely

Forevery classy girl there is another classy one by her side. Ourfriendships are the thing that can make or break us in how the world sees us. Ifa classy girl has bad influences they lose their luster. You noticehow the trashy girls tend to have a swarm of enablers around them.They are never able to make healthy decisions because they aresurrounded by unhealthy people. However if you have true pearls forfriends; well you can really conquer the world. I have been blessedwith some great friends. We have been through everything and anythingtogether.

Amanda: For twelve years we have look after one another. We have suffered through breakups, encouraged each ones achievements and learned to exist in a way that only two best friends can understand. She is my sister and my great relationship. She is the one I love more than my own life.
Lauren: Lauren and I have been friends for quite awhile. She is my slice of youth and my fix for anything fun or flirty. She is the girl I sit and laugh about Daria with, the one I sneak into my house to raid the fridge, and the girl I get to share spontaneous moments with.
Sara: Sara and I have known each other since middle school. However we didn't really hang out with the same group of friends until Amanda moved to Blaine. After high school she has become an awesome companion. She is the girl I have long and late night conversations with, the girl I can play the awkward wedding picture game, and gossip about the weekly pregnant panther updates.

Lesson5: Let Him Come to You

Partof being a classy young lady involves those old fashioned ideas aboutromance. I know it is difficult and that I haven't always followedthese rules when it comes to men, but I learned a lot from this lesson. Ithink it states that sometimes girls tend to take the mystery andchallenge out of dating. We become Facebook stalkers and obsessivetexters. What incentive is there for a guy to work for your heart ifyou just hand it over to him? Here are five things I'm lookingforward in a future man of mine.

Honesty
Faithfulness
Music lover
Coffee lover
God follower

I wanta man with these types of characteristics. This kind of man shouldfind me and talk to me. Gone are the days when I go searching for aman or waiting for him to call. When something is suppose to happenit will. I'm going to take a lesson in old fashioned romance and realize that if aman is interested he will pursue me. I shouldn't have to put in thegroundwork. It doesn't matter how much you try; you can't force someone to fall in love with you. They can't fall in love with you if you bombard them and creep them out.

Lesson6: Dress to Impress

Theway we look on the outside makes us the way we want people tosee us. I'm not saying you have to be vain and unforgiving with yourfashion choices. You don't need to look like you are coming off therunway at all times. However I have learned that appearance couldmean the difference between getting things and not. Things like jobs,dates, and to be taken seriously. As hard as it is to get out of those sweats just to go to the grocery store, try and do it because it might just be your date with destiny. Let us just say destiny might not recognize you if you are grubby. If you look trashy people are goingto assume you are. If you wear that shirt that shows about 80% ofyour boobs or a skirt that makes you look like a hooker. Well thenpeople are going to look at you with the wrong ideas. They will beginto only see those parts of you and not the truth underneath. That youare capable of being serious and getting what you need done. You don't need to spend hundred of dollar, but everyonce in awhile it is OK to get nice things and splurge. Try to mixin those things with inexpensive staples from places like Target and Old Navy. Just make sureto be modest and wear clothes that make you look sexy without a lotof skin. Believe me ladies, it is possible. Here are three of mysplurge goals I'm saving for.

Vintage Dress
Rain Boots
Sweater tights

Theselittle things are what I would splurge on and I can't wait to be able to wear them one day.

Lesson7: Less Is More

Ithink women have always had the pressure to look great all the time.So the idea is given that we need to slather on layers upon layersof makeup. This is in no way true and a classy lady can let her truebeauty shine through. If you wear makeup that looks like you walkedout of Circe-sol-lei then people often get the impression you are astreet walker. Yet with subtle touches you can look as classy as Princess Grace. I have a few makeup stables that I love for Day andNight looks. Most of these things are fairly inexpensive, you can buyat any drugstore and I adore it!

Day

Cover girl Natureluxe Foundation In whatever shade you need
Cover girl Natureluxe Gloss Balm Sandstone or Marble
Avon Waterproof Mascara Black or Brown

For aday out that is all I really need to make my natural beauty shine.It is about the minimal touches. However if I'm going out for the night these are the products I love.

Night

Cover girl concealer stick In whatever shade you need

Avon Eyeliner Charcoal or Navy
*I love Avon's eyeliners because they are smooth and don't irritate my eyes. I love the subtle of the gray and navy because it isn't quite as harsh as black. I do like black for formal events, however I'm really liking the night out colors being a bit more understating.

Cover girl Natureluxe Gloss Balm Anemone

Avon Super Shock Mascara Black

Anytime

Thisis my favorite nail polish. It is only a buck or two at most drugstores or Target and it comes in almost a billion fun colors (okmaybe I'm exaggerating, but a lot)

SinfulExpressions Nailpolish

Ilove natural and neutral colors for shadows and dark earth tones orcool colors for night. The trick is to make it look like you justenhanced your beauty not like you went to Glamor Shots.

TheLast Lesson 8: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too!

As'The Girl With The Chocolate Dreams' I have always had a deepappreciation for dessert and anything involving gooey creamydelicious Chocolate. I have a bit of a sweet tooth. I've learned inthis book that it is ok to eat and that starving yourself to bethinner is never fun. Unless you have major health concerns loveyourself for the size you are. Eat well. That means order dessert andreward yourself for the conscious health choices you make. It is OK toeat healthy, but don't deny yourself of those sweet things. Itliterally will just make you miserable. Learn to love what there ison the outside and don't obsess over food. Make good meals and drinkgood beverages. Eat what makes you happy. Here are five of myfavorite things to devour when I can.

Chocolate Cake
Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks
Candy Corn
Grilled cheese sandwich
Burger King Onion rings

Thoseare the lessons I've learned and I would like to thank Jordan Christyfor helping me discover my classy girl inside. Letting this classy old fashion girl know it issafe for her to come out. That it isn't lame to be modest, but thatit is also graceful and stylish. I suggest all you readers pick it upsometime and find the classy Audrey Hepburn type girl inside of you.Hopefully it will help you rid yourself of any potential Lindsay Lohanlike consequences.

GoodNight to All My Classy Ladies. <3

Love Story

2011-11-03T16:12:00.003-05:00

Anyonethat knows me well understands my adoration for reading books. Whenthe reality of the world tends to make me feel defeated it often onlytakes a beautiful story to lift my spirits. I love being able tolisten to music and drink tea while I read as well. The warmth of asteaming cup in my hands and beautiful music filling my ears is theperfect atmosphere for falling into a love story. Every once in awhile we find amazing love storiesinside of these books that give up hope for things. We fall in lovewith fictional characters and yet at the same time find pieces ofourselves in the stories as well. Although there are many classic love stories today's blog is about two veryamazing series of books.They show the modern journey of the love story.

In2008 I had just finished my college classes and was just starting myinternship. I assumed I would just go see the movie, but afterextreme persistence from my friend Lauren I decided to read the bookTwilight. I agreed because the movie would be coming out and maybe Iwould understand the story a little more. Also Lauren said shewouldn't go to the movie with me if I didn't at least read Twilight. Little did Iknow that this book captured my fall that year. My internship didn'tmake me feel that great and it was nice to sink into the story of avampire and werewolves. I fell in love with the story of Bellaand Edward. It took me a month to read all four books in the saga. Itseems bittersweet that this fall is closing in on the final movie ofthe series. The last movie comes out later this month (15 daysaccording to me countdown). With his respect and old fashioned waysit was difficult not to fall in love with Edward Cullen. However thewonderful thing about this love story was to watch the changes inBella over the years. She started off as a very plain jane girl,there is nothing overly special about her and she is actually quite aweak person. Yet Edward despite seeming to not have faults is able to loveher for her plainess and this confindence that she recieves makes hergrow. Then comes the point where a love triangle forms and her hearthas to choose. She not only has one boy that loves her, but anotheras well. Although silly and ficitonal I can see why it still capturesmy heart in specific ways. Yet as I've also grown so has my lovestories.

SPOILERALERT: IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE HUNGER GAMES, CATCHING FIRE, ORMOCKINGJAY PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS UPON READING FURTHER.

Itis three years later that I find myself lost in a different world.Instead of being in the quiet little town of Forks. I now have beentraveling inside the world and districts of Panem. I will clarrify that I shouldreally not judge books so much before reading them. Throughout the years I've learnedthat some of the books I assumed were going to be the most uninteresting became some of my favorite love stories. Some of my favorite books as well. Ihad it in my mind that I did not want to read The Hunger Games.During the time of my first reading adventure from above I had seenthis book on the shelves. After reading the back cover I thought itwas kind of gruesome and too much like the movie SAW. I literallythought, 'can they come up with any original ideas for books yet?'Fast forward a few years and I see Entertainment magazine, MTV, andcountless people telling me how amazing the now trilogy is. I toldmyself since the movie was coming out that if it were at the libraryand I didn't have to wait too long I would pick up The Hunger Gamesto read. It took me only a week to read these three books and Icouldn't put them down. I fell in love with them in a way Twilightnever could make me feel. It is a few days after Mockingjay and Istill question all the things that happened. The books are verycomplex emotionally, yet they evolve in such a way that it is impossible not to fall in love. Unlike Bella, themain character Katniss is brave, fearless and untrusting. Throughout her storyshe needs to learn to be less strong for herself and stronger forothers. Her love story involves a love triangle as well, however inmy heart there was really no competition. Bella Swan knows exactlywhen and how much she loves Edward immediately. Katniss doesn'tbelieve in closeness, because what is the point of falling in love ifthat leads your children to be slaughtered in the future. Hercatalyst involves a boy named Peeta. Here is someone who has been inlove with her since they were both five, but they never spent timetogether in class and he just silently watched as they both grew up.Like a fire (ironic for those who have actually read the books) ithas started off small and turned into a giant wildfire. He constantly believes in saving her life even before the games. I feel like his love is more realistic, but maybe it is just because he would smell of bread and vanilla frosting. This booksmakes you think a lot about morality, devotion, hope, and so muchmore. It asks the questions: Would you take the place of someone youlove even though you know it is certain death? What do you do whenyou have to kill someone that you love? What is the importance of family, friends, and having freedom? However my favorite complexthing that I've been thinking about lately is Peeta's statement atthe top of the roof.

"I don't know how to say itexactly. Only…I want to die as myself. Does that make any sense?"he asks. I shake my head. How could he die as anyone but himself? "Idon't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind ofmonster that I'm not." 

Itis amazing how heartbreaking this quote is in The Hunger Games because later it comes into question. It issomething that you should really pay attention to. It is the quotethat still keeps me up at night. I love that not only does Katnissevolve throughout this story, but Peeta does as well. Sometimes it isfor good, others time it is very bad. I realize now that it is toogood of a story to spoil it for you. However I do recommend youreading it and giving it a chance. It is shocking and unexpected. Iloved being able to read a story where I didn't predict what wouldhappen. It was wonderful and painful. A great LOVE STORY.

AsI read the last book: Mockingjay a song came onto Iheartradio. It iscalled If You're A Bird by the Scene Aestethic and it captures everyloving feeling. From the fact that a Mockingjay is a strong andunfailing bird to the quote from The Notebook. I think you will likeit a lot. Here is one of my favorite lines:

“Ifyou're a bird, then I'm a bird. We'll fly around we'll cut the tether. Dead and knowing all we need, we'll find what we've builttogether. I'm convinced that I have found the other half of myselfwithin you. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. They said if Ithink with my heart that I won't get very far; that can't possibly betrue. I don't wanna know what life would be like without you.”

So I hope you find your love stories and enjoy the books. Just remember that this is fiction and real love stories are also painful, but they require a lot of patience and understanding. Sometimes they don't work out, but one day you are going to find your Edward Cullen or you Peeta Mellark. Just don't be afraid to fall in love.

Gravity Happens When You Have Something to Believe In

2011-10-26T19:37:00.003-05:00

Peaceis something that is often hard to find, but tonight is filled withthe glory of it. I can feel God's amazing grace in my life and thepowers he has over my internal spirit. It is only a few days beforeHalloween and I'm traveling through an amazing week. I can alreadyfeel the camouflage starting to set in and the inspiration to dothings. The newness finds it way into my soul.

Lastnight was so phenomenal that is is difficult to find words todescribe it. As you probably have read through previous blogs I amvery much smitten with piano driven music. I have been very much inlove with the band Parachute for quite awhile. In 2008 I got theirSingle of The Week “Under Control”and that year they became oneof my bands in my soundtrack to life. As Listened to “She isLove”and “Mess I Made”I officially fell in love. Their new albumis amazing and I suggest when people get it they listen to“Philadelphia” and “Forever and Always” first.

KateVoegele is one of the sweetest and extremely talent young women. Igot not only the privilege to watch her on One Tree Hill, but to meether last night. We ended up talking about the Hunger Games Trilogyand it was such a great moment.

Itwas a really amazing concert. I've seen Switchfoot, Taylor Swift andmany other bands throughout the years, but last night was one ofthose events that you don't soon forget. I thought I was in love withParachute before, but then I saw them live. They are an inspiringband, high with energy. Kate was down to earth and honest. I wish Icould say more about the concert, but I'm just that in awe of howlucky I was to go.

Speakingof inspiration I've felt a deep sense of the traveling bug. I wouldlike to list the places I wish to go someday. Maybe this will inspireme to make those dreams come true.

Iwant to have a beer in Ireland. Dance the night away in Greece. Walkthe streets of London. I want to feel the love of Beaufort, NorthCarolina. See the warmth of Toledo, Ohio. Lay out on the coasts ofCalifornia and see the history of New York. I want to fall in lovewith the world.

Loveis something of a complex emotion and I'm learning this by readingThe Hunger Games. However I will save that for another blog when I'mfinished with the series.

Goingto Go read Mockingjay wish me luck!

The Little Things

2011-10-16T21:30:00.003-05:00

Itseems sometimes that we are so busy with our lives that we forget toreally appreciate everything our God has created for us. This weekendthe message in Church was to be generous. To be observant in ways youare needed and just be generous in your appreciation for things. Mylife is not perfect and I guess I do realize that it will never be,but I should be grateful for that fact. The lessons I learn, thehardships I face make me more humble. I also know deep down howboring my life would be if it were perfect.

Howeversome things in life are perfection. These are what I called “thelittle things” and they are the tiny things that make a personhappy. So here is a list of the small blessings that bring me joyduring this time of year.

Mug Cake
I just learned today how to make a delicious dessert in the microwave. It can be made in either chocolate or yellow cake varieties. When you need a simple pick me up. Alas Mug Cake comes to the rescue. Here are two recipes I found for both

Chocolate

4tablespoons flour

2 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa

1 egg

3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons butter flavor infused rice bran oil, or butter

¼ teaspoon vanilla essence or peppermint

1 tablespoon choc chips

1 large mug

Yellow

6 tablespoons all-purposeflour

4 tablespoons sugar

1/8 teaspoon bakingpowder

1 egg

3 tablespoons water

3 tablespoons oil

dash vanillaextract or lemonextract (or whatever flavor you would like)

1 large coffeemug

Directions

Add the dry ingredients to the cup and stir together.

Stir in the egg, water, oil and extract of choice.

Microwave for 3 minutes (1000 watts).

The cake should rise to the top of the mug

Applesand Cinnamon
Ilove Autumn because I love the spices of it. I love going to Orchardsand picking apples. I love the smell of apple pie and crisp baking. Ilove a house the smells like cinnamon and nutmeg. I love nightsfilled with cider and ginger ale.

Hot Beverages

I love love love sitting down after a long cold day and snuggling with a hot cup of coffee or tea. There are no words to describe the delight in my heart.

Books

I love reading in the fall. At the moment I'm reading like a billion books and trying to capture everything all the characters have to teach me. For my non-fiction read I'm reading How to Be a Hepburn in a Hilton World. My fiction read (ok so I finally caved) Hunger Games.

Thoseare my four things. Quick simple blog. Enjoy!

Tye Dye and Zombie Blood

2011-10-09T22:21:00.004-05:00

Thereis something so wonderful about October. The month always seemsfilled with excitement and wonder. Everyone is rushing to find acostume, people get excited to eat candy, and I love to drink thespicy chai lattes and pumpkin flavored items. October is such apeaceful and precious time of year. It always seems people are tryingto capture the most of these last days before the cold and snow startto settle in. Some days in the Autumn we are blessed with'Indian Summer' andit is so beautiful. Temperatures are often high and yet the leavesstill fall with a fate they know they must fulfill. I'll admit that Ias much as I try I'm not optimistic all the time. However there issomething about watching leaves fall that remind me that like theleaves in Fall my problems and fears will eventually fade as well.

Todaywas a fun Sunday afternoon. My brother and I as kid were often likefire and ice. We never seemed to get along or agree. It has been niceas we've grown up being able to talk and do things with him. He cameover today and I helped zombiefy him for Halloween. He is going to have a huge gash on him and the typical sunken eyes. We also went to spirit and bought some blood. I think he isgoing to look fantastic! Another fun thing from today is that forwhat I believe is the last time of the season I got to tye dye. I was reading online and I found some new techniques that I wanted to try out. I should be set and ready with enough tye dye for the winter.

Thiswas just a brief update and hope those of you that have seasons areenjoying your Autumn one.

Vice Verses: A Review

2011-10-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

Iwas eleven years old the first time I heard a Switchfoot song. Thesong was Learning to Breathe and I knew instantly that this was whatlove felt like. The hopeful and sweet optimism of the song was justwhat I needed as I started in on what I thought would be the most difficult and painful years of my life; as ateenager. My first Switchfoot album I bought was at the age offourteen and it was The Beautiful Letdown. This album from thepowerful “Meant to Live” to the wise sounds of “Twenty-Four”made me fall even more in love with this band and their music. Eversince that moment I strongly believed I would never find an albumthat flowed and captured my heart immediately the way The BeautifulLetdown had. It was the most amazing thing I had heard and I didn'tthink it could be recreated. That was until this past week.Switchfoot has once again captured the perfection of what TheBeautiful Letdown was with their new album Vice Verses. Here are mythoughts on the songs.

Afterlife: Switchfoot once again starts off the album with a strong upbeat song about revolution. The first time I heard this song I felt a great power inside of myself that was coming alive. This song explains that we has a generation need to step up and do right by our world. Much like “Meant to Live” this song is catchy and actually about making a difference. Important Line: “And I wonder why would I wait till I die to come alive?”

The Original: John Mason once said “You were born an original; don't die a copy.” This song explains that concept exactly. The hard rock song full of energy is fun and exciting. I understand the whole idea of being an individual and making up your own mind. It is about being brave enough to be yourself and stick to your own morals. Not to listen to the media or societal pressures of this world. Important Line: “Don't let nobody try & steal your soul, you're the original."

The War Inside: The first time I heard this song I knew what it is like to feel motivated. All the internal struggles. You wonder sometimes if you are making the choices that lead to good things for the world. I know I wonder if I'm being nice enough. Am the light for the world. This sounds like a battle song and a fight song for the young generation. It is about fighting for what is right even when your tired and don't feel like there is any hope left. Important Line: “I am the war inside; I am the battle line; I am the rising tide; I am the more I fight.”

Restless: This is the first song I heard off the new album and I think it was my first sign that this was going to be a good one. Restless started off as my favorite song. I am only human and I know that I'm searching for something bigger than myself. Some nights I search for the love of God alone and other nights I search for the love of Prince Charming. The person that I will be able to see God's love for me in and that we can share. This song is such an amazing call towards the skies about wanting to find your way by following your heart. It is about impatience and that need for love. Important Line: “With every heartbeat; all of my blood bleeds. Running inside me; I'm looking for you.”

Blinding Light: This song on the album is such a fun one. With the fun beat and intelligent lyrics it is such a catchy song about hope. It is about listening to your own voice and about waiting for that sunshine to find you even in the darkest places. It talks about how strong someone can be if you stay postie and hopeful of that higher power. Important Line: “Deep down there's a hope inside brighter than the fears of my mind. I keep looking for the blinding light. It's the hope that keeps me alive.”

Selling The News: This is the first rap like song I've ever heard from Switchfoot and I really like it. It is like a soapbox song singing on the top of lungs to get messages across. The song calls out all the 'religious' people who don't really speak for God's message. It talks about Media Jesus and how to look past all the bologna to hear the real messages. Important Line: “I want to believe you. I want to believe, but everything is in between. The fact is fiction. Suspicion is a new religion.”

Thrive: Immediately the drum beat draws you into the song, but the lyrics help continue to allow you to learn. The song is about living for more which seems to be a common lesson throughout the whole album. Thrive is about wanting so badly to be the type of person that deserve to be on the earth. It is about wanting to use every breath of your life to a good purpose. It is about not feeling good enough and a feeling I've felt often in the last year. Important Line: “I want to thrive not just survive. I'm always close but I'm never enough. I'm always in line but I'm never in love. I get so down but I won't give up. I get slowed down but I won't give up.”

Dark Horses: Vice Verses single has so much to like about it. Dark Horses is about being kicked down and unexpectedly surviving. I seriously love this song because I have needed it so much in the past. It is about taking all those things that make you feel negative and using them as motivation to live more intensely. The second song I heard and the most exciting. I love to sing it loudly and can totally understand why it is the single. Important Line: “Born for the blue skies. We'll survive the rain. Born for the sunrise. We'll survive the pain.”

Souvenirs: While listening to every album I find that soul searchingly epic song. On Learning to Breathe it was the title track, on Beautiful Letdown it was Twenty-Four, and on the last album Hello Hurricane it was Always. There is always that ONE SONG that captures the heart in such a wonderful way. This is that song off Vice Verses. I had an interesting summer falling in love with someone that would never love me back. This song reminded me of my summer at camp and of James. It talks about love and being fearlessly young. It is about all those memories you keep with you inside forever. Important Line: “I close my eyes and go back in time I can see you smiling, you're so alive. We were so young, we had no fear. We were so young, we had no idea that life was just happening. Here's to your bright eyes. Shining like fireflies. These are my souvenirs the memory of a lifetime.”

Rise Above It: Even on Beautiful Letdown there is that song that I enjoy, but never really gets to me the way the others do. On Beautiful Letdown it was Ammunition. Today's song is this one. I like the song, but don't really connect with it. It is a great song, but I don't know. Can't like them all? I guess this is another song about the hypocrisy of the world. Important Line: “It all feels so typical; guess I'm looking for a miracle. Rise above it. I don't care what their telling me we could be what we want to be.”

Vice Verses: The title track is almost a tie for my favorite song on the album. The honesty of this song reminds me of grown up versions of the older Switchfoot stuff. It is a very wise song and it is a dreamers song. It talks about the polarity of life. It is about knowing that for every good comes a bad and for every negative thing come a shining positive moment. The song ponders the nagging questions about humanity and I love it. Important Line: “Looking for signs in the night sky, wishing that I wasn't such a nice guy. Wonder what it means to live forever, wonder what it means to die. I know there's a meaning to it all. A little resurrection every time I fall.”

Where I Belong: The final song of every Switchfoot album always seems to be the most profound one. Where I Belong is another one of those soft songs that talks about heaven, but in a different way than the first song of the album. This song wraps up tightly the concepts of the album and gives the perfect finale to it. It is such a light song meaning it shines with a breath of fresh air. It is just... one of those songs. It speaks greatly to me because I understand the concept of this not being a permanent residence both body and soul. Important Lines:“On the final day I die. I want to hold my head up high. I want to tell You that I tried to live it like a song. And when I reach the other side, I want to look you in the eye and know that I've arrived. In a world where I belong.”

Thishas been so amazing and I'm glad I got to share it with you. Isuggest greatly that you pick up this album because well duh it isphenomenal. It is seriously one of those albums you can listen to theentire thing without wanting to skip a song. It flows so welltogether the album goes along like a symphony. It is about so manythings and says it in so many ways. So from a lifelong Switchfoot fan(since the age of 11) I say GO OUT AND BUY IT! Especially considering this coming week will be Switchfoot Friday (google it)

LoveDearly< Brianna>

The Woman In Me

2011-09-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

WhenI was eighteen I was a spunky young girl full of life. In that partof my life I had been searching unsuccessfully to find a boy thatwould love me. Back then I wrote a blog about what type of boy Iwanted to fall in love with. It was after that I realized thatmaybe in order to find someone for me I needed to look at myselfin the mirror and determine what kind of girl I was. Last year aftera huge heartbreak I realized that the kind of person I want to fallin love with is different. It had been so long since I had known thegirl I was at eighteen and I knew I needed to do a lot of soulsearching to reintroduce myself to the young woman I had grown into.Maybe it is a the nostalgia or the fact that the young girl facinghigh school graduation has evolved and grown up. She has different priorities. So today I wish to share the girl that has grown into thewoman in me.

I'mthe woman that loves warm rainy nights in the Fall. Those crispAutumn mornings filled with crunchy leaves and the smell of burningwood and bonfires. I love those days that give me dreams and thepromises of warm lattes. I love those warm cups of cider and tea as Iwalk in the softness of the season. As I have grown up I've learnednot only to appreciate this time of year, but the people I get toshare it with. I've always loved good conversation, but as I'vematured I value principles of loyalty and trust in every realrelationship I have. I still believe that honesty being one of the mostimportant principles of life. I try to be honest with myself. I'd like to believe that I've growninto trusting people, but if there is one lesson that life has taughtme it is that trust is earned and won. That it also can be broken as quickly as the blink of aneye. I want to trust people and so I do, but the years have told memany reasons not to trust as flawlessly. As issues have grown into me I am happy tosay that many wonderful things have as well. I love the idea of beinglow maintenance unless I'm going to a fancy event. It makes dressingup much more special when I don't do it all the time. Life changes aperson, but some things never do. I still love to wear pretty dressesand I still long to stay in with junk food. These days I've embracedmy inner Mary Jane finally. People such as Ingrid Michealson, Haley William, Emma Stone andTaylor Swift have inspired me to share my inner artist nerd. I love my bandtees and converse shoes. If four and a half years have taught meanything it is that I should always share my deep passion for music.Not only does that mean on the immense songs on my iPod, but also intomy wardrobe. I have learned not to be afraid to let loose theSpiderman loving, converse wearing, headbands, and pearls young womanI am. I love the nights filled with warm bubble baths and glasses of white wine, listening to silly love songs on my stereo. I have grown up to be that youthful spirit sweet and edgy inside the body of a woman. I'mnot such a walking contradiction anymore because I realize there isno such thing. I'm a stone letting God wash away the dirt and grime life leaves behind. I've always been a Christian girl I've always believed in God's unfailing presence in my life. However I have been reborn into a Christian woman who believes in the loveliness of her savior and the way she is beloved to him. In God's grace I've established myself and I've gotten abackbone. It is because I've learned that my morals and views on life arenot the easiest to follow for some, but they keep me safe. I've grownup to know that I never have to settle for second best and I neverhave to deal with stupid behavior. I've grown to be a little cynical, but I do still believe in hopeless fairy tales. I just knowI need to aim for the realistic ones. I love to read books; when theworld is a lost cause some days a good book is an escape that a womanlike me needs. I still love to bake, I'm learning to cook more. As anadult I'm learning about good wine, take out and sushi as well. My quirks have made methe beautiful person I am today. I'm still the woman that dancesaround the living room. As a young woman she gains new interests aswell. I love summers filled with sweet tea and lemonade. Hanging tyedye on a clothes line. I enjoy chai lattes the sweet and spicy tastemakes me delightfully happy. I love sewing my own outfits andquilting. I'm the woman that adores Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume andwearing it with my pearls, polka dots, and Chanel stripes. I love theidea of 1950s housewives and pork roasts. I enjoy every vintage pieceI can get my hands on. I love piano driven music filled with romanticlyrics. I'm the young woman that knows all too well of shatteredhearts and unrequited love, but I keep going. I know that every heartbreaking moment will be worth it in the end. That it will lead her to appreciate that wonderful young man someday even more. I'm the woman that loveshugs and the best come from my best friend. I'm the young woman thatgets to watch as her best friend gets married and live happily ever after.This woman who has never felt too honored as a girl gets to be amaid of honor. I take strength and beauty from the little things.I've learned the greatness of Facebook and I no longer use Myspace as much. I also no longer have aXanga. Some younger readers just thought “What is a Xanga” inthere head. I apologize for that. I'm bits and pieces of that young girl, but now I am ayoung woman with new parts that get to join in to make a whole being. Some parts of the old meare still there, but some are gone. These are the parts that havebeen replaced by better things. I've grown to be more patient and to make all my moments count.

Thisis the woman in me.

Brianna Lyn 2011

That September Day

2011-09-11T07:46:00.000-05:00

Itwas a beautiful morning. I had recently celebrated my thirteenthbirthday and entered the seventh grade. I was in Miss Bollum'shomeroom class and I remember sitting towards the middle of theclassroom excitingly talking to my friend Jenna. Things were cool andperfect for a Autumn morning.

Thenit stopped...

MissBollum was sitting at her desk joking with one of the boys when thephone rang. It was her fiance at the time. I remember her picking up the phone her facegetting a little white with a look of confusion. She told one of theboys to turn the television to ABC and another one to tell the otherclassrooms to do the same. Miss Bollum explained that a plane had accidentally hit one of the World Trade Center buildings. I was alittle young to be familiar with what these building were. As wewatched a tower burning I remember hearing explanations of how itwas the financial capital of the United States. I kept hearing how itwas such a tragic accident and what had gone wrong with air traffic control to make it a planehit such a massive building.

Thatis when it hit...

Iremember a whole seventh grade homeroom class silently gasp in horrow as we sawa huge plane hit the second tower. I remembering in my numb shockturning towards Jenna and saying, “This wasn't an accident.” Wejust sat there too shocked to say anything and too afraid to cry.Knowing that at the age of twelve and thirteen our lives had changed forever.Soon like an alarm sounding in my head the bell rang signaling theend of homeroom and that we were to move to our first hour class.

Ihad English next and I remember Mrs. Carlson talking about terrorism and how we should write in our journals about how we feltin this moment. Maybe this was one of the first moments I knew howmuch writing healed in times of great adversity and fear. I rememberpraying and wishing that people would be ok. (I wish I could find that journal entry from that day.)

Whatwas happening...

Itwas as I reached my second hour Choir class when I heard the panic assomeone informed me that the Pentagon had been hit by a plane aswell. Were planes just going to continue to hit? What about the buildings inMinneapolis? I tried my best to sing and distract myself from thebeginning of what I thought was World War III. I just wanted to crawl intobed and fall back asleep. Pretend this was just a silly nightmare andwake up to the real September morning. As a seventh grader I feltfrozen and helpless in fear.

Itall came crashing down....

Iwas on my way to Gym after second hour praying it would be over. Thatit would stop and we could get the people from the towers out.However as I changed for Gym I heard the tragic news. One of thetowers had collapsed. I couldn't breathe. Halfheartedly I rememberingplaying some stupid game, maybe it was dodge ball? It was a nicelittle distraction between the terror that the world had become. Akid from another Gym class told us that a second tower had collapsed.Was this what it felt like when the world ended?

A sadness of hope...

Myfourth hour was already my least favorite because it was Math. I had never been great at Math and was dreading having to focus on problems while my stomach felt ill. As Iwalked in the TV was on CNN. The reporter was in Pennsylvania talkingof another plane that had crashed. There were not exactly sure, butthought it had been connected to the earlier events. Four separatepictures of burning rubble, four separate locations of tragedy. Iremember the reporter saying that this plane was meant to be forsomewhere else, but from a 911 call the passengers had risked theirlives in exchange for many others.

Growingup too fast...

Therest of my day went by like a blur. I didn't eat much for lunch and Ihonestly cannot remember the rest of my schedule other than my lastclass which was Science. Mr. Axmen was obviously upset as we walkedinto the classroom. We went outside and looked for leaves. Some simple memory like that just sticks with me. Just walkingoutside I remember it being such a beautiful day. There wasn't acloud in the sky. How could a day like this become such a tragic one.Fifteen minutes before class ended I remember him talking about afriend of his in New York that was missing and then he threw a desk.These were fears, emotions, and feelings that were new to me. Thatfateful September day changed me... in a blur of destruction myinnocence was taken away. I felt the true nature of fear. I saw the strength of so many people too. I realized how blessed I was... I clung toGod. I knew how lucky I was. How living in the Midwest made me fairlyfar from the immediate danger. I didn't have anyone near thedestruction. My family was safe.

Todayis September 11, 2011...

TodayI am twenty-three years old. As I watch tributes and remembrances Ifeel like I'm the little thirteen year old frozen inside of MissBollum's homeroom class again. Something like this never leaves you... nomatter how many years go by. It is crazy that a decade has passedsince that Autumn day. It is amazing what changes and how you as a person changes as well.

Ababy born in 2001 is now in fifth grade

Afifth grader in 2001 is now in college

Acollege student in 2001 might have a five year old now

Itis amazing everything that has happened since that day... I am veryaware of all the change. Both good and bad...

A Hurricane named Katrina wiped out the Gulf Coast
A Bridge collapsed in Minnesota (This one so close to home)
An earthquake struck Indonesia, Haiti and recently Japan.

Peoplehave passed away...

Micheal Jackson
Peter Jennings
Amy Winehouse
Countless soldiers

However...Also people have been born.. people have grown up..life has changed..for good.

My cousin's little boy Wylie Hunter
My neighbor's two little girls Maddie and Lydia
I've survived broken hearts, bullying, and so much more.
I'm a young woman now... in charge of my fears

It is amazing to where technology is now. It is wonderful to see where film, music, and television has taken us since then. It is glorious to see people stepping up and protecting our country. An eleven year old is now twenty-one and many of them have chosen to fight for their country. I am grateful and I've never forgotten what they are fighting for.

Itis a beautiful Sunday morning... I think it is appropriate that the tenth anniversary is on a day of Sabbath. Reminding us that God is never far away and is always close by. I have faith this Sunday is beautiful and will stay that way.

GodBless America

I'll Be 23

2011-09-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Todaywas one of those days that a person waits for. One anticipates itsarrival, hopes for its best outcome, and wishes for the wisdom thatcomes from it. Then like a dying star it is gone into the darkenednight sky. I am happy to say that today is my twenty-third birthday.It was a wonderful day and I loved it for everything it was.

Thisbirthday was more important than most people would see on thesurface. It signifies the end of a year of survival. It captures thefinal moments of fighting through a year of difficulty and embracingthe wisdom I've gotten out of the ashes. I will never take any pieceof the previous year for granted, but I am delighted to finally beable to move onto towards a new one. The beauty of Fall has alwaysheld so much hope for me. There is something fresh in the air, socrisp and cool. The weather today was perfect for a birthday. Withevery breath I was able to embrace the newness of twenty-three andlet go of all the things that made twenty-two so tragic. The freedomin the air today just fueled my passion more. My passion for life,for my future, and for my dreams.

Sometimeswe find ourselves lost....

"Amazingstill it seems. I'll be 23; I won't always love what I'll never have,I won't always live in my regrets." - 23 (Jimmy Eat World)

Sometimeswe fall in love with someone we can never have. However I do notregret falling in love with James. I just realized at twenty-threesomething I wasn't able to see at twenty-two. That although I lovehim, he won't be able to give me what I want. I want a love story,I want songs, I want passion. Today I went to go see One Day withSara and it was amazing! I think it has became my new favorite movie.The movie gave me the reminder that you never know where and whentrue love will find you. I am content not to search, but I'm also notgoing to hide myself away in a tower. I'm embracing that anything ispossible when it comes to matters of the heart. All summer I wasasking God to speak to me and help me find the purpose in falling forJames. Today I finally got it. The purpose was to open my heartagain. That there are people that will make me feel safe again. Itwas to teach me to be open to all possibilities and that there areamazing guys out there that won't break my heart like before. Thepurpose was to teach me that it is ok to fall in love over and overagain. It was to bring me closer to God. It is about heartbreakingforgiveness.

“Shemade you decent... and in return you made her so incredibly happy.”- One Day

Ihope someday I will be able to find that person. I am so excited formy twenty-third year because it brings so many wonderful changes.This age brings wonderful wedding plans; watching my best friendbecome more and more happy in love every day. I love her and I'm gladshe has found someone to spend her life with. She is my sister and Iwant what is best for her. Even when they disagree I think they bringout a lot of goodness in each other. There are so many things to lookforward to with this special occasion that it already makes beingtwenty-three a beautiful year.

“23now got his life in his hands. He's looking all around and he doesn'tunderstand. Life's too busy, things get in the way, we all feel aloneevery single day.” - Wasted (Cartel)

I've learned so many lessons on self- reliance and that I'm never alone. Sometime in the business of life I get lonely wishing for someone to help, but today all those feelings just seemed less important. Ihope this year I can find clarity. I wish for happiness. I pray forpeace and serenity.

Ihave so many plans for things I need to do, but I know with God I canacomplish them. Last year I said I would live my life in the name oflove. This year I am going to live my life in the purpose of hope. For my Godly purpose. Iwant to give the world hope and continue to give my all to God.

Thisis my life verse for 23:

Jeremiah29: 11 -12

“ForI know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plansto prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and afuture. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I willlisten to you.”

GoodNight. Thank you for a Wonderful Birthday.

The Summer Sends Its Love

2011-08-25T17:18:00.001-05:00

“The summer sends its love to you, the same as every year. But this year I will send mine too.”

I know it has been a little while blog followers, but I promise this will be worth the wait. There is something so precious and magical about youth. It is about starry summer nights screaming out as loud as you can. It is about those sunny days when you dance with the rushing wind and run as fast as your legs can take you. It is such a sweet time. Tonight is an interesting night for me. For so long it was an importance of summer love. As the years went by it became a three year marker. I wasn't sure how today was going to be so many months ago, but I feel so blessed.

Tonight is not a four year marker and it isn't a sad memory of failure, but more of an opportunity to share the most amazing news. Today I've seen the trueness of God's awe-inspiring grace. Tonight is not a bitter reminder of an unfaithful boyfriend, but of a new chapter of life. Tonight has the freshness and healing that only comes from a dear friends engagement.

This past year was more difficult than anyone could ever understand, but yet by the grace of God it was one of the most significant years of my life. It is amazing how good I feel. My summer has taken the broken girl and turned me into such a strong woman. Yesterday I finished another journal; my third since I started writing in one at the age of ten. It doesn't seem like a huge event, but I went through this particular journal in only one year. It chronicles the year I turned twenty-two. The year that my life and I changed. It was such an important year. When you are really young you don't realize how much one year; one age can teach you. When you are younger you have expectations and dreams for your twenties, but when they became different and the reality comes to find you. Well this year I was brought back to God's plans for me.

Twenty-two started as such a stressful and uncertain age. Even on my birthday I felt like I was losing more than I could sacrifice. On my birthday I made a promise that I would live this year of my life in the name of love. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time and how to get there back in September because of how my twenty-second year began. However as I move closer towards twenty-three I cherish everything twenty-two had to teach me. I am grateful to everything it made and created in me. I am a better person after this year. I have God to thank for that.

This was the age when my heart shattered and I had to pick up the jagged pieces amongst new feelings of bitterness and betrayal. Not only did I have to pick up broken pieces of me, but of what was left behind from a three year realtionship that crumbled because of an unfaithful boy. So many times I'd imagined spending intimate moments with him and he went off giving them to someone he barely knew. Twenty-two was the year where I fell out of love with him and fell back in love with me. It had been such a long time since I did things for myself and treated myself with respect. I started doing things that I wanted finally. As this age continued I needed to cross off goals on a bucket list. I realized how many thing I wanted to do and put off because of my ex-boyfriend. I gave you the list in January and let us see how I've progressed after summer.

I am currently reading Anna Karenina

I've danced in the rain

I spent a whole summer studying the bible with kids

I took many small trips, including to River Falls, Spicer, and Poplar

I was a camp counselor

I met so many great people

Ate at a diner twice so far and hope to go to more

I spent my whole summer writing letters, I realize how much I miss it

I've started quilting (sewing)

I will explain more when the actual year comes to a close, but that is the brief of my progress.

As I was saying the summer has some of the sweetest memories and life lessons. It is not my favorite time of the year, but I love what the summer does to my spirit. This year I had an amazing summer at camp. It taught me about strength and the need for God in one's life. It was like getting to spend my whole summer at Sonshine and I was brought back to the spiritual mindset I had as a teenager. This summer taught me how to be more selfless and about being exhausted, but still giving it everything you've got for the kids. It is about teaching and telling those kids about God in anyway possible. It was about changing the lives of these young people and allowing those expierences change your life forever. Other than the kids another part of camp changed my life. This summer I met someone and I fell in love. I'm not sure exactly what kind of love at this point. Anyhow this person gave me a reason to get up in the early in the morning, he gave me back my strength in myself that I had lost from my previous relationship. It isn't a dating thing and there is a strong chance that he will not feel the same way for me. Despite this I am forever thankful to God for giving me these feelings for him because they told me that it is possible for a heart that had been broken as badly as mine to fall in love again. James is such a complicated situation. I did not ask to fall for him, but somehow God led me to have these feelings. My summer was caught up in delightfully sweet syrupy feelings and so many nights of confusions. This part of my summer allowed me to pray and question God about his plans for me. It strengthened my faith in this greater purpose. It seems like every time I try and pretend that these feelings are not real God sends me messages that tell me there are. That the feelings I have for James have a purpose. I don't really know what will happen between James and I, but I am excited to let God decide. So instead of worrying and having this consume me like it normally would I am going to continue to be friends with him. I am going to continue to live my life and listen to those love songs I haven't wanted to in such a long time. I am going to let God lead my heart where it needs to go. This was a defining year in my life because of how I've been able to grow. One of the most amazing parts in these dog days of summer is because off my best friend.

Amanda and I have been through the highs and lows of love. We have grown into amazing young women out of the ashes of two teenage girls. So many nights we whispered, giggled and told fairy tales. So many nights we imagined and dreamed of these days. We talked about the futures we would have and finally one of those days came. My best friend in the entire world is engaged! It makes me tear up and my heart fill with pride. I will keep this short so as to not exhaust out possible material for my maid of honor speech, but I will say that I'm excited for her. I can't wait to watch her fairy tale and play out. It seems rather whirlwind, however I have strong faith that he is her Prince Charming.

“Oh I miss those days as the years go by, but nothing is sweeter than summertime.”

Bittersweet Symphony

2011-07-31T20:00:00.000-05:00

This is my sixth year of music inspired blog entries. I wish I could say that life has gotten more musical; that like the amazing new lyrics and catchy tunes that my life had gotten a bit easier. Yet the biggest life lesson is to understand how different years are. That some years are harder than others, but that is what learning is about. Every year I do this I imagine what my life will be like the new year and yet this year has prepared me for the unexpected. I love how these bands, musicians, and the musical moments soundtrack my years. They allow a reader to see what kind of mindset and who I was in that year. This my dear friends was like the title says a “Bittersweet Symphony”. It was the year of betrayal, a drunk cheating boyfriend, and a lot of stupidity. However that is just how it began and not how it is ending. It is a year beginning with betrayal and despair; leading a musically inspired girl to pick up pieces of her broken heart and falling for someone new. I love how much this year gave me the possibility of a new hope and a great recreation. It ends with new faith in god and maybe the future of true love someday soon. So lets begin.

August 2010: Lifehouse

As I began to lose the deepest parts of myself and a slight bit of sanity I needed familiarity. August was a rather stressful month and yet the soft sounds of Lifehouse were there to sooth me when someone else couldn't. It was a month where “Broken” and “Hanging by a Moment” had brand new meaning. The music allowed me to survive the constant negativity and rude comments flying my way. Lifehouse was important because it helped me survive Cole's horrid behavior in a stronger way personally. It helped me as a person survive something that my relationship would not be able to. I am slowly forgetting that night in late August, but I will always remember listening to “Whatever It Takes” the month of August and knowing deep down that I didn't have the kind of person who would do whatever it took and although I promised I wouldn't I had been broken enough and I lost faith in him.

September 2010: Break Up Songs

Even on my birthday I felt the enormous weight of distance. I know I did all I could and that nothing that happened was my fault. In the end a stupid boy's weakness broke my heart. This was the month where I learned the true meaning of betrayal and where I found peace in the most beautifully amazing songs. There were Taylor Swift rifts about “White Horses” and “Change”. There was a soft Miranda Lambert tune the made me think if I had only been “More Like Her.” If I might have been a little more like the girl he cheated with. Deep inside my broken heart I still knew the strength of life and started to listen to empowering songs. “I Feel So Good Without You”, “Circle the Drain”, and “Impossible.” Finally ending with the bittersweet “Steel City.” It was the month of wilting and reviving, but I made it through.

Note: It wasn't until October, but I found the most amazing break up song ever in Taylor Swift's: Last Kiss. It was the song that allowed me to truly grieve and move on with my life.

October 2010: Goo Goo Dolls

As I picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and got rid of piles of Jordan's old crap I needed a deep down music intervention. I needed a nostalgic band, something to remind me of who I was before I met him. This is where the music of my teens came to the rescue. From “Name” to “Sympathy”, “Iris” to “Slide” I was reminded of how my heart hadbeen broken before and I survived. How even though this was more hurtful I would continue to survive and these beautiful songs allowed me to believe in myself again. My boyfriend cheated on me, but it didn't mean that I wasn't good enough. It just meant that life happened and I would get to move on to someone who cared about me enough to allow me to “Let Love In.”

November 2010: The Ready Set

The coldness of November never hit me as I started the new life I was determined to have. I needed to unwind and say goodbye to stupidity. I had so much fun spending time with Emily for her birthday. November was about faced paced songs mixed with good times and people I hadn't seen in forever. The social outlet was just what I needed. The Ready Set and his poppy mix of “Love Like Woe” and “More Than Alive.” These songs gave me motivation to go out and do what I was destined to do. I had wonderful thankful nights with Amanda and heartbreaking lessons, but we found out the trues of friendship. November was about being wild and having fun with friends. Cherishing those late nights laughing until you cried and crying until you could laugh again.

December 2010: The Honorary Title

As the twinkling lights started showing up on houses and wonderful nights of snow flew bombarding the Twin Cities I was thankful to start getting ready for the new year. December was about being snowed in and having some crazy nights with Amanda. I had lots of fun getting ready for the holiday season and listening to wonderful Christmas songs. Inside the warmth of a house often during nap time I was blessed to spend those spinning days getting to watch One Tree Hill in the afternoons on Soap Net. This is where I found the band of December. The Honorary Title was one of the bands featured on the show because of the character Peyton Sawyer. I decided the final month of the year I would spend it discovering music like Peyton and listened to The Honorary Title's “Untouched and Intact.” and “Stay Away.” Both of these songs spoke that I just wanted to move on with my life. Ready for the freshness.

January 2011: The Graduate

The new year began with a bang, a toast, and a promise to do more things I had always put off. One of these wonderful things was my new subscription to AP (Alternative Press) Magazine. I'm such a musically obsessed person. (I mean I've been keeping a music blog since I was seventeen) I wanted another way to find new bands and to discover what beautiful new sounds were out there. January was about getting a fresh start and crossing things off a bucket list. Upon diving into my first issue of AP I found The Graduate. This Alt Rock band and the song “Stuck Inside My Head.” Got me through the freezing winter days. I needed the guitars and the instrumental interludes to clear my head. These loud songs allow me to focus on me. I love “Anhedonia” and I enjoyed so much of their music I went on a little Itunes shopping spree and got their new album. The Graduate reminded me of being seventeen again and listening to those Fueled by Ramen bands again. About why I do this and what music means to me. It is about dancing around my living room and feeling my heart beat to the rhythm of the drums.

February 2011: Downtown Fiction

During February I was haunted by the memories of what February used to be in the past. So when Itunes Video of the Week “I Just Wanna Run” by Downtown Fiction came out I loved the pop filled catchy tune. I felt like running too and ended up getting the rest of the album. A mixture of sweet love songs and fast paced melodies reminded me of a very Parachute like sound. I fell in love with it and I started to remember what was important in February was now about falling in love with me again. “Where Dreams Go To Die.” and “Best I've Never Had.” are two great songs. The Downtown Fiction was about living life and loving that life I've been given.

March 2011: Poema

In a sweet flood of syrupy songs I heard about Poema from AP Magazine. I decided to check them out and I felt like this was the perfect band for the spring. The flowery elegance of their music made me feel youthful again. I am not sure which song is my favorite because the whole EP is such a wonderful mixture of sweet love songs and wondrous questioning anthems of love, life, and being a girl. “Blue Sweater” talks about missing a lover and writing letters. I began to imagine a new boy in my future that would love me and would miss me. I pondered along with “City Boy” and “Echo Off The Sky” which are such girlish anthems and I fell in love with the new spring to them. “2 am” is a fun song about nerves and about dating. Thinking about a boy and having him consume your mind. As I failed miserably start trusting God with my love life to find my better half and search I was reminded that it is ok to be clumsy within feelings. I learned to be.

April 2011: Tenth Avenue North

I have been listening to this band since I was nineteen, however this was the month where I needed them the most. I've had a rough few years and I've struggled within my faith in God. Tenth Avenue North's song “Beloved” saved my heart. I heard it on Air 1 one night and it reminded me that I'm never alone. I was led to remember that I have someone that has already vowed to love me forever unconditionally. I often times tear up at the wonder of this song. During this month I began to find my way to God's loving arms again. “Love is Here” has always been a favorite of mine and being able to listen to “You Are More” and “Hearts Safe” again reminded me that I am beautiful and cherished. These songs gave me the confidence in myself again because I have God with me always and "By Your Side."

May 2011: Family Force Five

The month of May was bittersweet because I was ending one journey and beginning a new one. It was a scary and wonderous time. I was leaving the little boys I had taken care of for almost a year and moving on towards new kids that needed me. In this time I got to spend a lovely night going to a concert with my dear friend Kenan. We went to go Since Forever, Stereo Skyline, Swimming with Dolphins, and Family Force Five for Family Force Five's Tourantula Tour. It was a blast of a night and I couldn't get the catchy tunes out of my head. I had already become a “Love Addict,” but that night I got “Supersonic” Learned the “Wobble” and realized it was time to “Dance or Die.” The concert and everything it made me feel afterwards was a great way to begin my summer. I am thankful for Kenan for taking me because she knows them and has seen them so many times. It was a wonderful experience. It reminded me that you can worship God in so many different ways. Sometimes in crazy, chaotic, and sweaty ways.

June 2011: Shawn McDonald

June began with such wonderful chaos. The camp season began in full swing and along with that came familiar songs and new people. This was the month were I received blessings in the form of new friends. I had been listening to Shawn McDonald for quite a long time even since my first year at Sonshine. Maybe being back in Willmar this summer was why Shawn became one of the artists on my soundtrack to summer. When I was fifteen I had heard “Gravity” and like the way his voice was different and his music had substance. As I grew older I found more amazing songs by him and this summer I worshiped to these songs I got to be somewhere I loved and missed. Every time we were in the Chapel one of the APDs would play “Take My Hand.” As I danced and worshiped singing out to God it was a wonderful experience. I was slowly finding my way back to the kind of relationship I had with God when I was a teenager. I even found a new song by him this summer called “Rise” which talks about rising from the ashes because of something that is greater than I could ever be. Truly amazing times by the lake turned into so many beautiful memories. This was the month where feelings started to grow.

July 2011: Ron Pope

This summer changed my life in a greater way than I expected it could. I have had a faith in God since I was twelve years old and although I've struggled with it for the last few years this was the month where I finally found my way back to the girl I've missed being. One night sitting in Brittany's car traveling towards an adventure she was playing this acoustic sounding male singer. With a soothing voice like Gavin Degraw I listened to the beautiful lyrics of “Our Song” I realized that love might only be a heartbeat away. The soft harmonized world soothe me throughout July's toughest moments. In July I finally bought his album on Itunes. In the twinkling of “Fireflies” I begin to fall in love with more than just a feeling, but in a person. As these feeling became more complicated and the questions fogged my mind I listened to “A Drop in The Ocean” and I felt exactly how Ron was singing about. “A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, But I'm holding you closer than most, 'Cause you are my heaven.” The summer started to come to a close and the song that ended this yearly soundtrack is “If You Were a Stone.” It captured all my feelings on life, on love, on God, and on this amazingly insightful year.

So this musical year might have started as the year of the cheating boyfriend and of his evil best friend. This may have began as the year of betrayal and loss, but it didn't end that way. It wasn't an easy year and not what I imagined for my twenty-second year, but it was life. You can't fake it or force it. You just live it and hope for the best. Usually I make predictions of how I want my life to be in the next year, but I know that it doesn't matter so much anymore. The mystery of life is not on what I would like happen, but embracing what is happening. So I hope to continue to be this happy. I hope to figure out what my purpose in life is. I want to continue to fall in love to music. To strengthen my faith in so many things through music. Funny how much faith I've gained in a year by myself, in a year where people attempted to make me feel so badly about myself. This is the year I want to fall hopelessly into happiness. I want to feel more alive and to live the best life God will allow for me. I want to keep these yearly soundtracks. I want to be able to look back at the songs and artists; remembering what they meant to me and what they did for my soul. I've survived through music and I will continue to survive inside the phenomenal world of it.

Let It All Out

2011-07-22T23:30:00.002-05:00

“And you said I know that this will hurt. But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse.If the burden seems too much to bear . Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.”

Last week was a rather toasty one. Yet right now there is a gentle breeze coming off the lake and this makes my mind wander late into the night.

Today is July 22^nd 2011

When I was eighteen years old I began to dream about this day. I imagined what an impact I wanted it to have on my life. At nineteen I fell in love and this made me start to believe that my dream would actually come true. In my nineteenth year of life I fell so deeply and madly in love that all I could feel was the wondrous magic and I didn't notice that pieces of myself I was sacrificing in order to find my happily ever after. The day I fell in love was a cold one, but I could feel the heat radiating deep inside my heart and throughout my whole body. This day found me again and July 22^nd, 2011 began to follow me.

That day is today;s date and yet it is not the day I imagined. I guess I always imagined this to be the day I would get married. At camp there is a beautiful wooden chapel. The closer this moment came the heavier my heart had gotten. In this beautiful church there was a wedding rehearsal tonight, but it wasn't my wedding. I'd imagined myself waking up this morning and getting ready to become someone's wife. In the real world today I woke up and passed out tye dye to a group of campers. I imagined this afternoon I would put my hair up and slide into a beautifully white dress. I always imagined finding the most amazing man waiting for me this night.

However “That Day” Is Not Today

Today was about getting ready for the big Quilt Auction event at camp. Today was about other people and although it is not the day I imagined for myself it is still the day that the lord has made and I am eternally grateful for it. Today is not my special day. As much as I hoped and prayed that it would be throughout the years it never came true. But I am learning so very much about myself this summer. Camp although sometimes awfully confusing has been such an amazing experience. I know I've made lifelong friends and that it has been such a positive influence in my life after having such negative ones for so long. I'm healing from last summer in all of its damage. I'm continuing to learn from so many people and so many resources that allowed this day to still be beautiful. Understanding that this will not be the day I dreamed of or even close to what I talked about it being lying in my backyard on a blanket next to that boy I loved so greatly. It will not be the day the boy promised me either. People change, life changes, and you can't plan your life at sixteen or even eighteen, but it still is present. Life is still happening and I'm not going to spend anymore of THIS DAY pouting about THAT DAY. The one that will never be.

I will continue to dream and believe in fairy tales, but just with the wisdom that Happily Ever Afters come to those you wait patiently. I love this Relient K song that the title comes from and it has been helping me with so many struggles. There is a new boy in my life. Not a boyfriend, but someone that has captured my heart so fiercely that I struggle to get it back easily. Maybe one day I will get my day and maybe it might be with him? I don't know, but I'm allowing God to choose that day instead of me.

Good Night From Camp.

A Lesson in Fireworks!

2011-07-07T22:14:00.003-05:00

Ever since childhood I think there has always been something so memorizing about fireworks. A loud pop and a streak of color flying through the sky like a desperate pleading star. I often feel like this. The brightness is blinding and fills my eyes with such wonder. It leaves me in awe. I love the combination of light and color and it is such an amazing sight. It makes me feel like rainbows are being blasted through the darkened night. Part of this extended love of colorful things comes in the form of my summer job. I have become such a tye dye nerd lately. Since going away to camp I've found a new passion for tye dye. It seems like I'm always looking for new designs, how to make brighter and more exciting colors. It is exciting! I think my obsession with color has always been encouraged by things like rainbows and fireworks.

Camp has brought a new light in me. I knew it would, but I can honestly say it has been a huge lesson. The lessons haven't been easy and I've had to search around picking up broken pieces and putting myself back together. I've had to learn how to live a summer away from home. I have to learn to live a summer where there is no boy in my life. I know from previous entries that summers are much like these July fireworks. Certain ones leave you feeling high and bright; others just make a lot of loud noise. The latter leaving you wondering what the point is. When I was seventeen I had one of the toughest summers and I survived. This gives me hope that even though 2010's summer was the most destructive. That even although I became someone that I was not supposed to be. This summer is about allowing god to help me fix myself and breathing new life into this broken spirit. This is about surviving new and sometimes more difficult lessons. However why would I expect anything else from god. I have enjoyed my time at camp so far. I get to teach crafts daily and tye dye every Tuesday, so I can't complain. I get to see the joy in handwriten letters again. I am beginning to see blessings in every day again.

This summer is teaching me that at times the greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. As I move deeper into July I am well aware that this is July 2011. This is when I pictured myself in a white dress. In July of 2011 I imagined being this beautiful and successful twenty-two year old bride to be. Where is she? I am working at a summer camp and there are no suitors in my sights. God is helping me see that this is ok. If I were to be getting married this month as I formerly hoped would it be a mistake? That is a really good question. I am not going to say no, but I'm also not going to say yes. Let me explain:

No: If I were to be getting married I would hope to having to have a man that cherished me. Even though the way we broke up was devastating I do believe that if I were marrying the man I met during the first two years of our relationship that I would have been happy. There is no shame in marrying someone that you love right?The boy I saw marrying when the vision first popped into my head would have made a wonderful husband. Although that is not the man that grew up.

Yes: Here is the thorn in my foot. Looking at the lesson of September I see that if I were marrying the teenager that left me heartbroken after a three year relationship then I didn't have someone that cherished me. I would have had a husband that cheated on me and constantly lied. I wouldn't have an equal partner in my life and I would have to compete with his childish wandering ways. I would never have been number one in his life and although that made me sad for awhile it doesn't anymore.

I'm not going to lie and claim that I was crazy. I am an honest person and I know I wanted so badly to marry him. I am not ashamed to say that because that is what love means. However I do not love him anymore and I haven't for quite a long time now. I said this before; the man I wanted to married died a long time ago. This is this little nostaligia of July; of a former life I planned for myself. I will always blame him for taking away this dream of mine. Of tearing down something that was so precious to me, but I'm also bitterly thankful. As time goes by and once I fall in love again I will grown to be more gracious. The reason being is that one day I will get married and he taught me that I deserve someone so much better than him. He gave me the lesson that I deserve more:

More than a liar,

More than a cheater,

More than follower,

More than a drunk,

More than someone that tears me down

God has allowed me to see that in my future there is a man that will:

Will tell me the truth (Even when it may be sad)

Will be faithful to me

Will love me for me

Will have fun without getting out of control

Will build me up and

WILL FIX MY BROKENESS AND LOVE ME FOR IT.

That is the lesson I got from the fireworks, what did the teach you?

Is High School Ever Over?

2011-06-18T12:23:00.001-05:00

Tonight I find myself many years older and yet in a former place. I apologize for being a whiner tonight, but I find myself in a highly emotional mood. This has been the most beautifully difficult year for me. It has been about learning to rely on myself and understanding that listening to my heart is the most difficult thing to do. I am extremely grateful for having my laptop with me, I need this outlet of words to save me, especially tonight.

I was so excited to come to camp and to listen to my calling. I felt such a compelling feeling I needed to use my godly gifts here. That they would heal me. My goal was to meet some new people and hopefully create lasting friendships. I have met some really awesome people, but a lot of them are much younger than myself. Thus the age difference has been a little isolating. So this is where you find me tonight, a place between deep longing and desperation for attention. It is a different year, new people, but the same old story. I find myself in love with the cute musician boy that will probably not love me back. The name Adam has never sounded so beautiful. Again I watch as girls put on their make-up to go to parties I was not invited to. I thought High School was over, but I guess it never is.

I have been praying a lot lately. Hoping that god can give me guidance. I believe there is a strong reason I was called to Camp this summer, but I've had a really hard time finding it. If this is where god called me then why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel alone in a crowded room? Why do I feel myself being torn into pieces?

I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss hugs and kisses, I miss feeling loved by more than just a savior. I know Jesus will never leave me, but why does it feel like everyone else does? I guess this is another life lesson in self reliance. That sometimes I just need to pull myself up and create my own happiness. That I am in charge of my own mood. I can be depressed about the old isolation of High School memories flashing back, or I can remember that I'm grown up now. I can be the girl I want to be. I need to remember that I can do things by myself, maybe I will go see a movie tomorrow?

I've Never Heard Silence Quite So Loud

2011-06-07T22:33:00.003-05:00

Have you ever listened closely to the sounds of nature or watched the sun set over the lake? If you haven't then I highly recommend it. Today at Camp it is the Vow Of Silence. I am a very talkative person so I assumed that this would be extremely difficult for me.

I am happy to report that I actually enjoy this. I cannot remember the last time I unplugged everything and let myself get closer to the important things. Things like my relationship with God and my own personal feelings.

I started by peacefully reading and moved on to writing a letter to god in my journal.
Next I went onto the beach to read some more until I became distracted by the amazing sunset. The vast color and the way it made the water look on the lake was unbelievably humbling.
I went to the silent campfire and felt god was calling me to read Solomon. So I ate and read until I finished both in the dining hall.

At camp we have been talking about funnel prayers, here is my example from campfire:

Dear God,

Please Help Japan and Hati

Please help our nation

Please bless the kids and allow us to work inside of their hearts

Please bless me in my struggles, my confusion, and broken heart.

One of these prayers was about a certain situation. I've met someone at camp and he happens to be male. Now I was NOT looking for something this summer. I told myself that this summer was about healing after last summer. Not about searching around for a suitor. However I can't stop myself from feeling the way I do. I've been through so much in my life and especially in this past year alone. I know I need to make sure that this isn't just a quick rush of heart with no sense behind it.

Solomon was saying in section 5 verse 8:

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you do not arose or awaken love until it so desires.”

Are these feeling sent for this specific young man sent from Heaven. Is god showing me that there are attainable godly men out there and that it is ok to fall in love again. I don't want to be searching for something that isn't there? I honestly don't know if I want to search at all anymore. I pray god will give the clarity I need. I feel good though, like this amazingly safe feeling. I didn't think I would feel this way after the massacre Jordan left of my heart, however for the first time he isn't the first man I think of in the morning. That man is Jesus, seconded by two new guys. My heart is fluttering for this boy tonight.

This one in particular is so different from me, but I kind of like that. He is the kind of person that I want to be with. There are obvious differences also and these scare me as well. I like the way he challenges me and allows me to have important godly discussions. I like the way he is nerdy and silly. That he respects me. I've missed that the most in the past few months. I guess I'm trying to see if god wants me to replaced Nate or replace Jordan. I need to pray more and god will give me the light I need to see soon.

Well this has been long enough.

Good Night Silent Campers!

All Good Things...

2011-05-25T19:23:00.000-05:00

Must Eventually Come To An End...

Oh gosh... it has been an emotional day. Very bittersweet in all ways. In one way this is the start of a wonderful new journey, but that also means something has to end. That part always makes me a little sad. So the answer is that all good things... eventually must come to an end.

Today was my last day with the little boys I was a nanny for. At times they brought me extreme frustration and possible permanent birth control, however at other times they brought much joy to my life. I am going to miss them dearly. Yes, even Ronin (The one that constantly stole my gum, drew on various things with pen, and broke an IKEA style cabinet.) Ronin put the terrible in terrible twos, but I have had such a great experience watching him grow up for the past year or so. Then there is little Mason. He isn't so little anymore and he isn't going to be little for very long. He is the amazing little guy that made things better for me this past year. I had someone break my heart into many pieces, I've had a rough year, but a little time with Mason made it all better. It is subtle, but he was the perfect example of how time moves along. When I first started watching the boys Mason was only two months old. He could barely keep his head up and slept most of the day. Now this little baby has turned into a little boy right before my eyes. Mason now has a little personality and is walking all around shouting “Do Da Do Da!” I am going to miss both of their little giggles and laughs, the way they said my name, “Brana”, but I know this isn't goodbye forever. They have an unbelievable special part in my heart that will not be replaced until I probably have my own children. I was blessed to get to spend almost a year with the two cutest boys.

Usually I don't get emotional during American Idol finales, but maybe because of the previous statement I felt a little more weepy. That being said when the name was read and Scotty McCreery I just started to tear up. I can remember the last four American Idol finales (I still can't believe this is already the fourth since I started regularly watching) I know I said I didn't really care, but I think a stronger more truthful part of me knew I was lying. For when Scotty's song started to play and he began to hug his family I got emotional.

I remember the excitement when David Cook won, the pure adrenaline of the underdog Kris Allen's win, and my composed acceptance while Lee Dewyze sang his U2 cover. It is another end, but I guess it gives me hope that next year will crown yet another Idol and that makes me excited. Congrats Scotty, I figured you would win most of the time. This isn't like other years since my top favorite didn't even make it to the top 2, but still I am proud of both of the final for being such an amazing American Idol for the youth. Both under the age of eighteen and yet so amazing talented. They are lucky and they should use it to their advantage. Congrats Lauren Alainia, you are not just a runner up, but a good country girl. I'm proud of you as well.

Oprah ended after 25 years, all the shows I watch are done for the season, and I am getting ready to take a new life journey. Tonight I went to a music worship service at a different campus for the church I go to. It was amazing and just what I needed for tonight. On Idol night I would have usually been pacing back and forth nervously and waiting for the (unnecessary two hours) to final come down to the last ten minutes and a winner would be crowned. Instead I listened to the hearts of those closest to god. I was able to worship and send myself off the camp in a wonderfully musical and holy place. It is a Wednesday night and I realize that I leave in a little less than a week for camp. I don't know how often I will be able to be posting blogs, but I promise you that I will be constantly writing them in my notebooks. I will update as much as I can and of course remember July is the annual music blog. Don't worry, I will be back in August and I will have so much to talk about. So, while I understand All Goods Things eventually come to an end I am comforted by the fact the god's love and mercy for me is never ending. This is just a small pinprick of pain for so much good in my life. I love you guys (the people that read this) and I am grateful for your presence in my life. Have a wonderful summer and stay safe.

Sing for Joy to God our Strength

2011-05-10T12:12:00.005-05:00

Hey Guys! I apologize if this won't be a long and intense entry, but I still think it is important. If you have been a follower of my blog for awhile now you know every now and again I make lists. Some are lists of important books, but most are songs that are stuck in my head at the present time.

Today it is a list of my favorite Holy/Worship Songs. These are songs that bring me that warm and fuzzy feeling god is with me. These are the songs that help me do my daily devotions to god and to life. They allow me to worship my savior.

In no particular order:

My Top 16 Worship Songs

1) Ocean Floor - Audio Adrenaline

2) Rescue - Seabird

3) Freedom - Run Kid Run

4) Something Holy - Stellar Kart

5) Beautiful Lord - Leeland

6) There Will Be a Day - Jeremy Camp

7) Beloved -Tenth Ave. North

8) Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

9) Stars are Falling - Mark Alan

10) Jealous Kind - Jars of Clay

11) Like It Never Happened - Seven Places

12) Spirit - Switchfoot

13) Closer - Shawn McDonald

14) How He Loves - David Crower Band

15) Beautiful Ending - Barlowgirl

16) Your Love Brandon Heath

The Catcher in the Rye

2011-05-05T19:06:00.002-05:00

“Anyways, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around- nobody big, I mean- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.”

_ Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger: Chapter 22

Since a rather young age I have had a great love of Salinger's most infamous novel. I love how I can usually think about in everyday life. I adore how this small excerpt explains the reality of fear. About the fear of being ordinary, the fear of not being able to protect the hearts around you, just the fear of being obsolete. Maybe it is my motherly habits or my natural wish to save people, especially ones with a similar heart as mine. All I know is that I feel immensely like Holden in the quote.

Have you ever met or noticed someone that seems so much like a version of yourself that it frightens you? It is the subtle similarities at first, but soon you see more and more of your personality inside of them. Almost as if you are looking into a mirror and traveling back in time. At this point you feel a deep need to protect this person. Like protecting them, might keep you safe as well.

I am well aware that it is not my responsibility to look after her. She is after all a big girl who makes her own decisions and lives with the consequences. I know that she is just a girl. A tragic selfishness tells me that at all costs I should just avoid her no matter how similar we may be at times. Let her find out for herself what kind of people she has now brought into her life. Yet as my god given heart tells me, god gave me the gift to be a possible light at the end of a familiar tunnel I've been in before. That as an anonymous guard of this heart like mine I will silently be there for questions or concerns.

I don't really understand it either, but for some odd reason I admire her. This twenty-year old reminds me of the girl I used to be before the harsh world began to tear me apart. She is fearless and forgiving; graceful and free. She cares more about doing good in the world than what the world will give to her. She still believes in the hopeless romantics and tries her best to follow strong role models. A follower of Christ, an artistic soul, a baker, and a youthful spirit. She is so much like me.

My dearest wish is that he doesn't take away those things from her like he took them from me. For a short while I began to lose those parts of me. I can already see how disconnected she feels from god. That is how it started for me. Mixed with her other stresses I don't blame her because is a normal college occurrence. However her boyfriend will test her strength in herself and try to have her compromise small parts of these things for her love. I remember from my own experiences. However I'd like to give her the credit that she is stronger.

As a frail human I am also well aware that just as there is no is a catcher in the rye I also cannot save her from running off any potential cliffs. Though we may have so much in common I also know that she is not me. She has flaws that I do not and I am very familiar with my own flaws and insecurities that she will never have. She is not me and I have come to see that maybe he is not the same boy with her? It took me quite awhile to build up my broken parts and remember those types of things that made me a confident and hopeful twenties girl. I am happy to report that with the help of my friends, my denial to give up, and most importantly god's unwavering help within me I am not only the girl I used to be, but so much better. I know what it is like to feel disconnected and lost only to look up and realize that god never left. I know what it is like to have someone pull you away and to take God's hand. To let go of the other hand and finally find your way back into his holy light. God has given me a new gift that I adore. It is an older wisdom that maybe things don't work out at times, but that is doesn't mean they never will. He has reminded me that I am a much stronger person because of the mistakes of others. He has allowed me to see that possibly she is better for him than I ever could have been. That she may hold the key to making him the way god needs him to be. That maybe all my attempts were for something I could never do, but that she could. For that; I am grateful for her and I'm happy.

I still fear for her, like Holden fears for the children because of the character of the boy she is with now. At least the boy I remember him being. I hope with the deepest parts of my heart for her sake and I pray that he doesn't do to her what he did to me. I am not sure what he has told her of his life before her, but I guess I don't care. Whether he is different or not is not my burden anymore. He cheated, he knowingly slept with another girl while in a relationship. I feel bad that she gets the cheater, because he was never suppose to be that. Yet that title doesn't just go away and he has his friend to thank for that. He has his lack of faith to thank for that. I hope she has help him find faith so that he doesn't fall back into old habits. She is not always going to be there, she has dreams that she needs to follow and I hope he can stay faithful to her while she achieves them.

I guess that is god's way of being my catcher in the rye? To protect me from the questions that fill my head or the fears I have for this youthful version of myself. God is allowing me to see that if someone can cheat on their significant other and come out finding their savior. Then I certainly will find mine as well. I think this is the most eye-opening blog I've had in awhile. I thank god for that.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Those were my thoughts for the night.

I'd Like to Give Credit to this amazing photographer that I got the picture from. Thank you, your photos are beautiful: http://theboyleastlikelyto.tumblr.com/post/2640948203

I Feel Pretty, Witty, and Brave (Blast from the Past)

2011-04-30T14:56:00.005-05:00

I'd like to believe that the age of female persecution has ended, but sadly this isn't true. We are criticized all the time from others and from ourselves in the mirror. By the magazines and television programs. Sometimes even by dense men. I've often been captured by the feeling of not being enough. As a girl I cannot deny that at times I don't feel skinny enough or that I don't have big enough breasts. That my teeth are too crooked or my butt is too big. I have learned that no matter what I don't like about myself there are more things I love about myself. That those are the things that make me different from others. These are the things that don't determine who I am as a person. Glee this week was brilliant. It reminded me that no matter what people say; I was born this way. I am beautiful. I recently realize this week that a few specific people made me become plagued by the “I don't like my...” attitude. One of which betrayed all the things they once said made me beautiful. After someone cheats on you; you begin to attack yourself and pull out all the details that you believe made you unappealing. I think this was my motivation to understand why I was made to be the way I was. God allowed me to see that I wasn't unappealing that it had nothing to do with me. It was someone and their lack of faithfulness.

I just got back from out of town. This past Thursday and Friday I finally decided to cross another thing off my bucket list. My bucket list I've come to learn is about bravery and courage. I finally took a small road trip. It was my first time driving myself to River Falls to visit my best friend Amanda. I went to see the One Act Festival and to spend some much needed time with one of my favorite people. I knew there was a possibility of seeing him, the one that made me feel unpretty for a short time, however I begged that I wouldn't. You can't run from things like that and nonetheless there standing in front of me was the man that cheated on me and his new girlfriend.

In my head I imagined how this first sighting would go. I didn't feel ashamed or unpretty anymore. I felt empowered and I felt “pretty, witty, and brave.” I asked myself before if when the day came would I finally get the questions I've wanted answered? Would it turn into an angry verbal thing like the silly soap opera I watch? Thankfully it wasn't like either. In the moment I felt so fearless and tall. No longer did I have that unpretty scent to me. I stood strong and unwavering in my self-respect. Like I promised I didn't speak a word to him and I ignored him. He doesn't deserve to be noticed by me anymore. I am too pretty for him.

Finally Amanda and I went to Applebees. Walking into the door; Hey There Delilah was playing. It didn't send sad feelings in my heart. In fact, it never did. I love that song and I always have. I loved it before I met him and I love it even more now. It is just a song, not a moment in time. Driving home I saw his mother. All these little signs this weekend remind me that the past isn't far behind you no matter how fast you run.However that is what it is. A past, although things might not always stay hidden there it gives me the hope that just as my past is not far behind me my future gifts aren't far ahead of me as well. I get to find someone that won't only find me pretty, but breathtakingly beautiful. He will love all the parts that I don't about myself. He will say. "You are the more beautiful than I could have imagined.

"If a man truly loves you the only thing he'll want to change is your last name."

I learned a long time ago that I have beauty that isn't rivaled by anyone. I have true beauty so I am going to make a list of the things I love about myself.

1) Red hair
2) My big beautiful innocent brown eyes
3) My hopeful heart
4) My respect for people
5) My openness to believe in the best in people
6) My curves
7) My nice long legs
8) My brain (I'm intelligant)
9) My relationship with god
10) Last but not least. My self-respect to not sacrifice my moral standings to impress a silly boy.

"You can buy your hair if it won't grow. You can fix your nose if you say so. You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make, but if you can look inside you, find out who am I to; be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty. Yeah, I'll make you feel unpretty too."

This is for the cutters, the purges, the girls that don't eat, the ones with the big butts, the ones with the small boobs, the girls in the back of the stage, the girls with fears. You are beautiful and don't let anyone make you feel unpretty.

Forgives All Your Sins and Heals All Your Diseases

2011-04-17T14:51:00.006-05:00

In the past few years I've felt disconnected to god. I've never stopped believing that god was there, but while reading the bible or listening to messages I've felt not that I didn't care, but that it wasn't connecting with me as much as it used to. I know the reasons I have slowly felt like I was spiraling away from god. Every time I felt like I had grab a hold of god's loving hand something was tearing me away. Keeping me from getting the full message.

The first thing that started my disconnection to god happened in 2008. One June morning I woke up to learn that someone had broken into my car and had stolen my backpack. Inside the backpack was many important things including my digital camera. I know that cameras are replaceable, however the pictures are something that cannot be. Pictures from my High School Graduation to beginning days of my relationship. I felt robbed. The first little seed of disconnection from god was planted.

In order for a disconnection to occur and a seed to grow. It must be watered. The first water and oxygen came in 2009. I had been friends with Nate for six years and out of nowhere he left me abandoned. His dedication to god told him to say some really mean things to me. I began not to understand how two followers of god could treat each other the way we started to. I trekked on. I prayed for god's help and he always helped me get through the grieving process over Nate. However the pain allowed the seed to sprout inside the walls of my heart.

It wasn't until 2010 that the evil seed started to grow and condemn my beautiful pure heart. Between Jordan's lies and Cole's constant reminders of my shortcomings. The poisonous plant started to leak its venom inside my heart. Finally after being betrayed and treated to the worst things such as hatred, anger, and revenge started to take over my heart. If you ask Amanda she would tell you how different of a person I was.

Today is Palm Sunday and as I was worshiping today I prayed that god would forgive me for my behavior in the past few years and that I didn't want to be like this anymore. I prayed “God... please heal me. Take out whatever is making me feel these evil feelings and make my heart new again. I don't want to hold anger and resentment anymore. I want to be the godly person I used to be.”

Suddenly I began to get really warm. I felt light headed. I sat down and I passed out on Kenan. Ironically we were sitting next to Nate's parents. His dad is an EMT and he helped me out of the church so I could get some air. Sitting there for a little awhile I started feeling better on the outside. I felt deeply inside my heart I also began to feel better on the inside. People who don't believe in god I wish I could explain to you what happened. It was a truly spiritual moment. Right now I am sitting here feeling healed in god's grace. I feel better than I have in the past four years. There is no more pain in my heart. The best part is:

I no longer feel a constant and present anger towards Cole. I no longer want to get revenge on him or make him pay for the pain he caused me. I know longer want him to suffer. I forgive him for being a scared young man afraid of losing his best friend, even if what he did was selfish. I also no longer feel the disgust towards Cassie anymore. She is the girl who waiting naked in Jordan's bed that night he cheated on me. I forgive her too. I actually feel sad for her because I think she has low self esteem. I think this is the reason she does drugs and sleeps with many different people. She cheats on boyfriends, takes other peoples, and sleeps with strangers because she doesn't feel worthy. I know god finds worth in her. I don't know if I will meet her one day, but I don't feel the deep urge to punch her anymore.

The most important thing is:

I'm not in love with Jordan anymore. When I think of Jordan and Jessi I don't feel the annoyance I used to. The "how can it be that easy for him to move on so quickly" mood I used to. I used to be in love with the nostalgia of a young man. I don't even feel feelings towards who he used to be. I feel freedom. I don't feel anything. Not apathy, not anger, not questioning, but more of a transference. I still don't want to talk to him however it is less about the anger I felt and more about keeping my heart pure. He brought out some really amazing parts in me, but I also see what destruction being with him for that last year caused. He was a good boyfriend for the better part of a year and half. I appreciate the time we spent, but I'm finally able to move on. God has allowed me finally let go of the pain Jordan caused.

He allowed me to let go of pain I forgot I had. Including pain I didn't realize I still had for others. Including Matt Tillman.

Forgiveness is the answer to the pain in our lives. God has healed my heart so that I am able to forgive people for what they have done. I feel like I can look out my window and not feel the doomsday cloud anymore.

Thank you God, for healing my beaten and bruised heart and allowing me to be the child I was before the harshness of the world. Amen

Psalm 147: 3
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Spirituality, Reading and Rehab

2011-04-11T19:51:00.010-05:00

As the weather is changing I feel large pieces of my whole being changing as well. It has been a journey to get towards here, but I believe I'm getting onto the path I need to be now. The sun and the moon are lighting way and giving me the motivation I must have inside of myself. It has not been an easy journey. I face many obstacles in my path. These are simple little things like bitterness and resentment that keep me from my true purpose.

It is funny to think of addictions and sobriety when speaking about myself, however I am admitting that I am an addict. Before we start getting worried I must explain that I am just an addict of a different sort. Like any horrible drug small parts of me will be addicted to getting answers to how and why my last relationship ended the way it did. The sad thing about first love is that you feel a little addicted to that pure feeling it gives you. My ex-boyfriend I realize didn't start out as a drug, but only when he started doing them. He became my meth like addiction. Almost impossible to quit and you'd do anything for the high. I am six months sober today. Like alcoholics or others clean individuals I have learned to take it one day at a time and I reward myself when I reach those crucial moments of sobriety.

Yesterday was one of those rewarding days. It was probably one of the most rewarding days I've had in a while. I woke up and met Kenan at church. The service was amazing and talked about the struggles we face and how Satan can prevent us from traveling down the paths we want to be on.

2 Corinthians 4:4

“The 'god' of this age has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, so that they can't see the light of the gospel and the glory of Christ.”

This verse explains that many people follow false gods and false teachings. We tend to fall into listening these falsehoods because we become impatient when we pray and our prayers are not answered as promptly as we would like them. We believe that our father in heaven doesn't care about us. In reality he cares greatly for us.

Daniel 12-14

“Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you prayed, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me 21 days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the King of Persia/ Now I have to come explain to you what will happen to your people in the future.”

Sometimes the messengers of prayers get caught up by the devil's advocates. It isn't the god doesn't love us, but that Satan tries to detain that love and prevent it from getting through. Making us doubt our father above. Church was amazingly insightful. It was just what I needed to remind myself of my journey and my purpose. After church Kenan and I went to a delicious breakfast at a diner. Then we went to see a movie.

Another of our stops was half-priced books. I love that place, but it is slightly dangerous because I tend to get lost in book land forgetting that there are prices and limits. Reading is an amazing outlet for me. Whenever I am stressed or lost in the world I get a chance to travel in a different one. Listening to music and letting go. It is the most magical feeling. Something I think everyone should experience.

Well I am starting to get hungry, so I will leave with one last hopeful verse.

1John 4:4

“ But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.”

Marriage

2011-04-01T14:10:00.002-05:00

Here is that Epic Blog I Was Telling You About:

If you are a girl in society you are well aware of the difficulty that comes with this. It doesn't matter where you grew up there is always a huge emphasis on MARRIAGE. From any early age we are encouraged to play 'house' or with Barbie dolls. Sure Barbie started off as a tough and successful chick, but soon they brought Ken into her life. Well soon Barbie, much like most women in love, sort of lost her mind. She started to be presented as more of a caretaker and less of a career woman. Thus the hunt for the perfect marriage begins. In some societies marriages are chosen by the hearts of the people involved. In other places people are forced together much like we shoved Barbie and Ken. These marriages are arranged. We as women have been built to believe that our lives are not fulfilled unless we are married. We believe that our lives are not complete unless we are married at a specific age. If we aren't then we will be known forever as spinsters or old maids.

I can honestly say that I have fallen into this way of thinking and that I cannot help it. How does one get passed all of it. If you look at all the sources of media these days is it really such a surprise that women are slightly marriage inclined? Train is singing about white dresses , Bruno Mars want to "Marry You", and WE TV as their wedding Sundays. Every Monday there seems to be some version of The Bachelor. In my own viewing I've noticed that in the last three seasons of One Tree Hill or The OC it always ends in what else, but a wedding. The music, the television, the constant talk of The Shane Company. Why was I meant to feel crazy, for doing what seems to be the direction society wants me to go?

Although my ideas on the subject are a little more objective now that I am without someone significant in my life and the pressure if off. I won't deny that I still want a marriage, but I have also learned more about what it means to be in a marriage. I said before that I am fully aware of what needs to go into a marriage. I have always known what dedication and hard work goes into making one exist. I guess I have just found myself a calmer and wiser approach. I realized I need to be more intelligent when it comes to my future. I should never have to feel ashamed for wanting to marry someone that I loved. I just understand more clearly that women, like me, get caught up in the idea of being with the one perfect person ever day. I am fully aware now that twenty-two is very young and that I have so many more life decisions to make. I have a lot of life experiences to go through, but according to everything aren't I really just being a normal twenty-two year old?

Despite the sadness of my last situation I can still see joy. I also see how much more cautious I should be. We as women worry that we have invested too much time into a relationship and thus we settle for someone that isn't going to make a good husband. We pretend, like I did, that marriage will change someone and make them more responsible. I wish I could have listened more closely to all the Oprah shows and Cosmopolitan articles when they told me otherwise. No matter what though, the fact still doesn't change when someone says that they would consider marrying you, they shouldn't ever cheat on you. I think a person that can so quickly throw that away is a person that isn't cut out for marriage. They never will be. Every last person who is reading this knows how brutally truthful that statement is.

So, instead of thinking about a young man that will never be a husband I will continue to think about the man that will eventually be my husband. I haven't met him yet, but I am starting to see more everyday that this is part of the joy in romance. Finding what you want in a man from the castoffs of little boys you don't want.

That is what was on my mind. I wonder if it meant anything?

March Madness

2011-03-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

Hello Dearest Blogger Friends. I feel like I have been apologizing a lot lately for lack of updates, but I promise I have a good excuse. I have been without a proper keyboard for quite awhile now. However I am happy to be back and soon I will be the blogger you've come to love.

It has been a crazy March to say the least. What with the crazy snowy weather, watching the kids I nanny for grow up and meeting new people it has been interesting. A large part of me has not had the heart to write a blog. As I have stated January starts a time in which I become bored and long for the sun. Today I am sitting here in the beautiful lull of a Marchy Monday night with music blasting into my wondrous and pondering thoughts. This is just a quick update and I promise there will be more epic blogs later. I know I already have notes on one in the works that I have been thinking about but haven't had the resources until recently. However like I said here is a quick update.

I got a new job! I am now the craft manager and camp counselor at Green Lake Camp. I have wanted to do this for awhile, but have either been too busy or held back by someone. I am super excited to start this summer and I know this will help me with a few of my bucket list items for the year of 2011.

A big part of my bucket list includes meeting new people which I have already started on. In the past month I have met two guys. One extremely awkward exchange and the other one seems to be everything I have wanted. I want to be the Taylor Swift Fearless kind of girl, but I am so scared. When you have been in love only to have someone betray you so greatly it makes you wonder if all others are going to betray you as well. I don't want to get close only for the floor to drop out from under me. For a small while there I just gave up. Assumed that love and such were just a myth. My reasoning being how can someone take six months to to say they love you to you and only two to say it to someone else. Yet I picked myself up and I know now that it is just cheap sex thrill and nothing too meaningful.

However my feeling about someone else is new. I can already feel a different and deep sense of safety. All the things I used to fight about will not even be an issue. I want to trust that this is god's path for me. This is new and in the very beginning stages, but I thought I would let you know. The girl with the chocolate dreams is done drowning herself in chocolate and is ready to move on.

Can't You Just Adore Her?

2011-02-14T07:22:00.009-06:00

"She likes chocolate in the morning' she drinks her coffee late at night. You can sense that she is guarded, but that's alright. She'll fall asleep while your still talking, with unfinished books beside her bed. She'll cancel all of her appointments and go shopping instead.

And in spite of what is right far beyond what she'd except. When the moon begs the question
will you have the answer yet? Can't you just adore her?"

Hello Valentines, I hope this blog reaches people of all relationship statuses. I'm so sorry for the lack of update, however I think it has all been building up for this. It should be a good one.

I am a virgin. At twenty-two years old I am well aware of the stigma attached to this. I aware of how rare this is and how some shame goes into that. Although I will never understand that? Some may call me a tease; others a prude. I understand the difficulty of this choice. This is a journey and often times it leaves you feeling exiled, it isn't easy. It has always been my choice and I have never been dishonest or deceitful about my intentions when it comes down to sex. Why should I have to feel ashamed for that? This Valentines Day I'm done feeling that way. Done with being made to feel unworthy or like I don't know what I'm talking about. That just because of the choice I've made I don't deal with the feelings or have to live with consequences.

I'm sure if you've been reading since my high school days you'd know my history with this day. Days filled with not only single awareness, but of "cursed" feelings. You've seen me change from that girl into one that is thankful for the blessed February fourteenths that I will cherish no matter how many lies followed them.

Please bear with me slightly blog readers, but February has been an interesting month for me the last few years. I apologize for over exhausting the topic and I apologize to myself for rehashing so many things I've kept to myself for so long. I can't help it that February has always been about Jordan for the past few years. Whether it was a six month marker, a Valentine's date, or his birthday. It is like looking back from a mirror to see the cracks in the glass I didn't see and I feel the tragedy in never wanting to speak to him again. This is purely nostalgic.

People in the last year whether they really know me or not look at me and judge my choices when it comes to sex. He was always the biggest critic and the more time that went along the harsher his critique became. In all honesty I wanted to have sex with him, but I've always known it wouldn't change anything. Certain people might lead you to believe that I pressured the marriage topic, but for every last suggestion came a demand for sex. That is the god honest truth. In the end sex meant more to him than any love he might have had for me. Like I said before this path isn't an easy one. Sometimes the paths we choose to protect ourselves can be painful. Jordan cheated on me; he knew from the very first day we met that I wouldn't sleep with him. I never led him to believe otherwise. However this Valentines Day and the rest from here are not about him because boys like Jordan are disposable.

This Valentine's Day is about learning to love the other things in my new February. I have learned that I don't want sex. No, I still believe in the old fashioned idea of waking up, putting on a white dress, and walking towards a man that will say I do. I am not going to sleep with a guy until I hear a wedding promise. I know it isn't what a boy wants to hear, but I hope the man I fall in love with will understand that. In fact I have great faith that he will. Let me explain myself a little clearer.

You might think I'm this huge bible driven person and when I was younger it might have came from religious roots. I always felt that I would disappoint people and myself. Slowly as I reached my teen years I started to realize that this was a personal choice. MY PERSONAL CHOICE! I am allowed to make this decision for MYSELF! This Valentines Day I know I'm loved and that I want someone to make love to me. There is no shame in wanting that; there is no shame in wanting to control my own sex life. I have written many blogs about my opinions about this so I don't want to go on about it anymore. I know I will find someone that deserves me and he won't be so demanding.

Happy Valentines Day
Can't you just adore her, without needing her in bed?

(NOTE: This Picture is from http://www.postsecret.com/: This is not mine. Do not sue me!)

F*ckin Perfect

2011-01-25T10:17:00.003-06:00

I know lately I've been in a writing rut, however I finally found my inspiration to write.

This past weekend I heard and saw the heartbreaking video for P!nk's new song "F*ckin Perfect" This is a really uplifting song for someone like me. It talks about feeling like nobody will ever truly understand all you have to offer. It is about realizing that you are beautiful and acceptable just as you are. If others can't see that, then it is their loss. Now I can honestly say I've never took a razorblade to the bathtub, but I have been to such a low place. This song is amazing and it really got me thinking.

I'm only twenty-two and I've already seen so much hatred for myself and the people I love. I've seen such great people treated like crap, why? When did it become acceptable for a mother to call a woman a bitch because she won't let your son do drugs. When did it become ok for a friend to torture and push a person until the weakness of peer pressure gave and they cheated on their girlfriend? Why do we make fun of girls for not being the right size or boys for liking other boys? It is tragic.

Since this is more of a personal journey through this song let us go back through my past life. For most of my life I've felt kind of misunderstood.

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life"

I'm not a saint I know I've made mistakes when it comes to people. I've always been kind to them though. It hasn't mattered.

In Elementary school I had a few friends, but as soon as fifth grade rolled around they were on towards other people and things.

In Middle school I remember sitting next to the new girls or being nice to the kids that other made fun of only to have them find the clique they felt they were meant for and pretend that I didn't exist.

In High school I finally found my inner strength and an understanding that I will be ok as long as I have one or two people really there for me. I found the interests I enjoyed and I spent time with people, but at the end of the week while others went off to their parties and such I was never invited.

Now... I feel like people always pretend to be my friend when it is convenient for them, but not when it matters for me.

"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around"

Deep down I know that I am ok and I have people in my life that matter to me and that I matter to. It is still really hard and I don't understand sometimes. This isn't a pity thing, but more of an observation. I guess I've just never understood how someone can be so nice and friendly with me. Then suddenly nothing, I understand that people change and so do situations, but still why do I always get the feeling like I'm a magnet repelling people.

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same."

Don't get me wrong I am a lot better than I was in 2010. I no longer feel so badly and I know this because of the destructive people that are no longer a part of my life.

"The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?"

I am a strong individual because I've had to be. I've been through so much and yet every painful thing I've gotten through with as much grace as I could. I think it is an Audrey Hepburn thing? I am finally beginning to understand that I am beautiful no matter what others say. One might say I'm controlling because I expect the truth from people. Others may say I'm annoying because I care enough to ask the only questions they will bother answering. I'm the only me there will ever be and that is the only person I know how to be. I should be me, I have never sacrificed the person I am for who others tell me I should be. I understand that if people don't like me that is their problem but if I am fake they wouldn't like the real me. I prefer to be the real me. It is painful sometimes and it hurts to watch people treat me like crap only shortly after they claimed to be my friend. I will never understand that. It is ok if you don't like me, but why are the theatrics neccessary? Why make me feel so crappy? What did I do to you besides try and be your friend?

I'm really happy now. Yes I still have my days like any other moody girl. It is really painful to be thrown away so easily by the people you once loved and cared about. However I feel better in this exact moment than I have in the last year and a half. No more nights of listening to how I will never be the perfect girlfriend because I won't have sex or do drugs. No longer do I have to hear the peanut gallery of "friends" telling me what kind of girl I am and how I didn't deserve my ex boyfriend.

In truth I know now that Jordan didn't deserve me. At one point, he did. However we are not nineteen anymore and I doubt he has grown up since that moment. The last six months of our relationship I felt more like a mother hen cleaning up after his messes than his girlfriend. I never felt more low in my life, yet he wasn't old enough to understand that.

It is like that line from that Taylor Swift song.

"But I took your matches before fire could catch me. So don't look now. I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town."

I'm finally happy because I've realized I'm perfect no matter how many people diagree or tell me other wise. I'm perfect no matter how many people talk behind my back and pretend with me. This is the real me and for the first time in quite a while I'm in love with her.

Thank you P!nk.

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!"

A Freezing Winter Update

2011-01-21T23:23:00.001-06:00

I apologize for not updating sooner, but it has been kind of a chaotic few weeks. I promise and I’m also sorry that this will not be a lengthy entry. It has been a long day, I have a sore throat and my body is drained from the exhaustion of today.
I’m not sure why I’ve recently had an inability to write? Maybe it is writer’s block or maybe it is just the cold winter weather leaving my mind in a frozen daze? Maybe it is just one of those months for me?

It is like J.D. Salinger wrote once:

“I'm just going through a phase right now. Everybody goes through phases and all, don't they?”

Let us talk about the highlight and low light of January and maybe that will be enough to update you.

Highlight:
I went on another date with someone, the same someone from December. There is a part of me that is drawn towards him because he is everything opposite from what I’ve wanted before. There is also another part of me that is scared because of this. Without going into too much detail, we went to a movie (which was bad), but the date itself was good. I feel myself trusting him in the “lets get to know each other” sort of way. It is funny because I can talk to him on Facebook for hours at a time, but when I meet him I find myself thrown back into eighth grade. I feel stupid and awkward like the fourteen year old weirdo I used to be. I hope this is a good sign? I like him. Now let us not get ahead of ourselves not in the I LIKE YOU sort of way, but as a person he seems nice. I am excited to get to know him more and possibly get to like him even more. Who knows, but I’m not really expecting much, but enjoying the ride. I think when you keep your expectations lower people can surprise you. There is something about him that is endearing and makes me feel safe. There is a part of me that feels so fearless around him. I don’t know, but after the last year of my life I’m ready to be treated the way this guy wants to treat me. What do I really have to lose? He can’t do anything worse than what has already been done, you know?

Lowlight:
My grandfather passed away last Saturday. Today has been long because of all the funeral stuff today. Mingling with people and being asked a zillion questions when you can barely speak is a little draining. I am sad about my grandfather’s passing, but I know that he is in a better place. I don’t want to remember him as the guy who could barely speak in a wheel chair, but the man that I used to visit and give my colored pencils. It is funny how the little memories come back. My grandfather wasn’t around much throughout my teenage years and that really affected me. He didn’t come to my graduation party or any of the important things that I could remember him for. To me he was always a stranger and I feel sadder about that than about his passing. I wish he would have gotten to know me when the times counted. I was his only granddaughter and no amount of cards or awkward phone calls can replace that interaction. The last time I saw him I had no idea how to act. He could speak to me and I don’t know if he would have been able to relate to me if he could? I don’t hold resentment or anger, just confusion. However the past can not be rewritten and all we have in the future.

I should get some sleep though. Good night folks.

Forever Young

2011-01-03T08:02:00.003-06:00

"Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?"

Hello World and Welcome to the New Year!

I hope this moment finds you as happy and healthy as me. I hope you can look toward the sunset of 2010 with life lessons and towards the rise of 2011 with the freshness of the possibilities ahead of you.

My past year was chaotic even from the first moments. I've learned that one year can change so much and that sometimes people change. At times years don't go the way you originally hoped. However it is about what one does with it that is the key. I had a good 2010. Seems confusing with all the crappy things that happened to me, but I don't have any regrets anymore. I still have a few issues, but how can I have regret these things that lead me to find this kind of strength. Late nights still make the little monsters come out, but I'm slowly learning how to banish them and let them go. I never imagined all the pain, the hopes that would be shattered, and how badly I would lose myself so deeply. Maybe though I was suppose to lose myself in order to find the person I used to be mixed with the wisdom of age?

* I was cheated on: not because I was not good enough, but because of someone elses weakness.

* I was lied to: not because I don't deserve to be told the truth, but because some else forgot how or didn't care enough to anymore.

* I was betrayed: not because anything Cole said was true, but because he is afraid and doesn't know how to be selfless.

Those are the facts. I can't change them and I know that I am responsible for how they effect me.

This blog is title is about me being forever young. Not the selfish need to be youthful and never grow up, but about never losing the strong girl I was before I even had a boyfriend. She was such an intelligent person with so much wisdom and hope. I used to be fearless and independent. I know that girl's wisdom has gotten this young women though one of the most disappointing years I've had in awhile. How naive was I to think 2008 and 2009 were bad years when 2010 was such a disaster. However maybe the past years weren't good because I was with destructive people? I'm not blaming, just observing.

I have a warm feeling that radiates inside of me for 2011. I have a wish that it will be a lucky year for me. Even in the first few days I feel like a new person. I have so much to look forward to and I need to remember that I'm only 22. So this year I'm not making resolutions for this year, but just starting a bucket list. The world is so unexpected we never remember to do the things we want to do and get lost in the things we need to do. I'm going to make this list to start putting the happiness in my life again.

MY BUCKET LIST

1) READ THE CLASSICS

2) DANCE/KISS IN THE RAIN

3) START A BIBLE STUDY (check other blog Sundays)

4) START A BOOK CLUB

5) SING KARAOKE

6) GO TO RANDOM CONCERTS ONCE IN AWHILE

7) TAKE A SMALL TRIP

8) BE A CAMP COUNSELOR

9) GO OUT AND MEET NEW PEOPLE

10) GO OUT TO A NICE DINNER BY MYSELF

11) EAT AT DINERS, DRIVE INNS, AND DIVES

12) DYE MY HAIR

13) WRITE MORE LETTERS

14) CRASH A WEDDING

15) GET A TATTOO

16) BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS

17) SEE A SUNRISE WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL

18) SEW MORE

There it is ! I hope that I can continue to add to this list. I hope that I can let 2011 work inside of my soul and bring me to 2012 without too much trouble, but enough to help me learn.

So here is to that, to the beauty in being a woman, letting of of stupid little boys, finding new men that deserve me, to the 3000+ songs on my ipod that is climbing, to good food, taking a leap of faith and to 2011!

Cheers!

Moving On To A Merry Christmas

2010-12-20T13:39:00.006-06:00

"We’re gonna have a merry Christmas, babe
A very merry Christmas, baby
We’re gonna have a merry Christmas, babe
A very merry Christmas, baby"

My favorite time of the year is starting to wind down and it is a little bittersweet. The candy canes and Christmas cookies always make me smile. This is always an amazing time to watch people and to love people. It is the time of the year when I see the most change. There is a change in the weather, I see changes in the people that love me, and I also begin to feel changes in myself. I love being able to look back at Christmas blogs and smile knowing how much I can grow in one year. I imagined 2010 would be a new decade and a fresh start. I guess I never imagined what that meant exactly. In the very first moments of this New Year I felt a change bigger than I was able to understand at the time. I learned that sometimes being in love and being able to trust someone are not things that coincide. Slowly like an umbrella blowing in a windstorm, my whole love story I created started dissipating. I traveled this way through the year with my head down and my umbrella broken. Assuming that the rain would also eventually dissipate.However by the end of an extremely rainy summer (metaphorically) and without the safety of my umbrella anymore I was ready to come in from the rain. Ready to move from the cloudy days to the sunny fall ones fresh with clean air and clean emotions. Being thrown into a deep puddle I had to close my eyes at times fearing that the wind would get too harsh, but when I finally opened them again I was greeted with a fresh blanket of white snow. With purity and newness, the flakes were fresh with possibility and a future without so many rainstorms.

I am happy to report that life is moving on well for me. I loved 2010 for all the painful moments, for all the memories I will eventually forget, and for the fact that it is only one year out of so many in my future. I also love 2010 for moving so quickly and allowing me to embrace 2011 with so much more excitement. Life is moving in its own time for me. For example almost a week ago I went on my first 'outing' since breaking up with my ex. It was chaotic and crazy. At the end of the night I thought that is was good experience and I would be on my way.

There is the funny thing about people. Sometimes they will surprise you. You can think something is so perfect and yet it is so screwed up. You can also believe that something is so broken that is can't be repaired, yet you might find someone who wants to fix it. So here is to the Merriest of Christmases. To the bubbly feelings a new boy will give you. For the giddy way he makes you feel just by being interested. Having someone actually fight to win your affection.

Well hopefully this will be a toast to all the words he said being true. To 2011 and to people that make you smile.

Merry Christmas to All!

Winterlove

2010-12-13T13:32:00.005-06:00

I know this isn't a secret, but I adore my blog. I find it spectacular how I've kept one since I was sixteen. Being able to look back on past entries and see the wisdom I've gained. People have came into my life and people have left, but this one thing that has always stayed constant. A media outlet to process my life lessons and share my inner thoughts. This is one of the places I feel powerful and inspired. I can look at my life in the past with understanding and compassion. My hope is that someday a young girl like I was can get the advice she needs.

Sometimes I look back and feel foolish for not seeing what I should have. The ones for High School make me laugh/ I know now how they prepared me for the more recent events. Maybe it is all a part of the lesson? Lately I've been wondering if I should have expected failure from others. If I should have seen the signs beforehand. However it is true what people say about love making you blind. It tends to encourage you to continue to do stupid things that harm you. I was in love and I'm not going to take it back. I know I shouldn't pretend it didn't happen because it makes me who I am. It changed me. Yes, I have a lot of baggage now that I wish I didn't have and issues I now have to live with forever. Nonetheless the whole situation changed me for so many wonderful reasons also. It makes me see that I do have the ability to love and that love like that does exist because I loved someone like that. It is time to find myself someone that actually loves me like that. Certainly I will find that.

The former does not deserve anything from me anymore. Moving from girl to girl and pretending like I meant nothing to him. Makes me wonder if he will ever truly fall in love with someone other than himself? It doesn't matter because I know I am disappearing into the flakes of snow. I don't usually care about the snow, but this year it felt like a clearing of my soul. Usually I love Christmas snow and boy did I get it. The biggest snow storm I've seen in awhile and it turned me into a new believer of the seasons. The pure white color is like a beautiful smack saying "Wake up and smell the Christmas spirit!" Understanding that this is one boy, one year, one snowstorm. Just like there will be another dusting of snow next year, as well as another New Year to come soon. It was just one person that didn't care enough about me to save my life. I need to love what is good for me and remember the people that do love me enough to save my life. I was blessed enough to be snowed in with my favorite girl. We watched Eclipse becoming distracted about Charlie Sandwiches, Traveled into time with Claire Abshire, and became Circe sol Le clowns. It was a blast.

I thought a lot about things I haven't in quite awhile. I finally cleared out all the pent up feelings that I was afraid to let go and unleash. Fearing that they would only make me sadder. I found that it it is easier now. I feel like a miracle came and changed my vision to purity. I'm like this Parachute song "Winterlove".

"And the world keeps going
as you kissed me so slowly
as your blue eyes they say goodbye

oh the snow is finally falling
when i walk the streets, i think of you
i can hear the choir singing
as i pause beside the open door

and the church bells sound above me
and the people pass me one by one
oh its midnight now on Christmas
and I'm here without my winterlove."

I hope one day he realizes the horrible things he does. How I did everything he asked of me. How much he breaks has broken so many hearts including his mother's.

I go back throughout the past year to see that it was a wise year for me.

I go back and see how much he may never grow up.
I go back to those final kisses and promises

Promises of a better year.

Promises of love and dedication.

Promises of being a better boyfriend.

Promises that meant nothing.

I go back to all those things that he could never be truthful about including why he decided to cheat. (Why he doesn't consider himself a cheater, when YES he is!)

After this year I don't care. I made a promise to myself also that I was going to live my 22nd year for love. I'm keeping that promise and I'm focusing on Winterlove. Being brave enough to maybe find someone who will stay in love with me. Maybe being brave enough to truly love myself again.

I've found my Winterlove. My love for the snow falling softly outside my window. For candy canes and hot chocolate. Glee Christmas episodes and very merry tunes. Nights of crazy snowed in behavior with my best friend. My love for myself. Love makes you blind, but it can also correct your vision. Sometimes you just need to get a better life prescription and to see things in a better light.

"This will be the best year Brianna. I promise."

That was inspiring to me.

However I'm moving forward while he pretends.

Moving on while he lives in the past.

One day the car crash will come and the snowbanks will find him.

He was right this was the best year. For me!

With A Wise and Thankful Heart

2010-11-28T22:39:00.006-06:00

With the upcoming holidays we as a nation try to remember the importance of these days. We understand that people are what makes us thrive. Despite being single the holidays don't seem as lonely to me. I actually feel more like myself than I have in almost a year and a half. I'm in a peaceful place where I've never been happier. I realize the young girl I was when we first met was happy, but also naive. I know not having a boyfriend and the fact that I've supposed been 'replaced' should leave me sad and heartbroken, but I'm not. Because I'm not in love with him anymore.

I guess I've gained a beautiful new wisdom that has taught me the way like should thrive and move along. As much as he hurt me; I know deep in my heart that all I ever wanted for him was to be happy. This new girl seems like such a sweetheart and I believe if the circumstances were different we would be friends. I hope she can be for him what I never could.

The past few months have knocked me down and I'm grateful for them because they taught me the importance of getting back up.

I've learned how resilient and strong I am.
I've seen what amazing friends and family I have.
I've learned I'm not determined by who I am with, but what kind of person I am.
I've been reminded that waiting for someone who deserves me is acceptable
I'm beautiful.
I've learned to be thankful for the little things. The late night talks with friends, being snuggled in bed watching a favorite television show, and a gingerbread latte from Starbucks.

So this past week I could of sat and pouted about the past I might have lost, however I decided to look forward to the future. There is a man out there I will get to be thankful for someday for being worthy of me. Someone who will never forget to be thankful for me. One day I will get to share food and memories with him. Yeah, that sounds nice. I'll dream about that tonight.

I so excited for Christmas!

Good Night Blogger Friends

My Four Leaf Clover

2010-11-13T19:25:00.005-06:00

I have kept a blog for a very long time. It has always been an outlet of words and feelings trying to get out to the world in hopes that maybe someone else feels like I do. About getting the words out before they strangle me. In the past few years I've grown up so much. I've grown from a silly seventeen year old dreamer into a logical twenty-two year old woman. I've had two very prominent heartbreaks and have learned countless important lessons. It seems lately I've been writing about sadness, anger, and betrayal. However tonight I'm changing the tune.
I realize I've written about many people. Many having significant and lengthy entries. Except one:

Amanda Sue this is one for you:

"A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have." - Unknown

This amazing young woman has been a part of my life since I was eleven years old and the one person that knows me to the core. She is the one person I trust with my life and my secrets. I could never lie to her because A) She knows me too well. B) I would break her heart. C) I have no reason to lie to her (even when it hurts). On this week of thanks for Veteran's I want to dedicate this entire entry to her, my veteran.

Amanda and I have been warriors on this earth together for such a long time. We survived the battlefields of middle school, high school, and college. We've kept our heads held up high and mended the wounds of war. Healed the broken hearts, carried each other through the hardest times of loss and encouraged each other to be our best when we have lost our will. I have said it numerous times, but she is the true definitions of a best friend and the best relationship I may ever have. Our friendship is epic with the rarity of a shooting star. In the coming years I don't know exactly what will happen, but I do know we will face it together. I miss her everyday and i want to thank her from the bottom of my heart. Like a marine she has never left me behind. She has been my crying shoulder, my ear to lend , and my hero.

Over the years so many people have come into our lives only to leave scars, but our friendship has withstood haters, liars, and cheaters. With secret codes, stories of dream boys, inside jokes, and faux swearwords we have overcame the world. Since I know she will eventually read this I want to take this portion to tell her thanks.

My Dearest Amanda,

I love you like a fat kid loves cake! You are always the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person on my mind as I fall asleep. Every last moment with you is a memory in the making. So many 'stupid bitches' and evil bassbowls have tried to defeat us. So many years we've lived and loved. SO many people we've gained and lost. You are an always constant, a sun in a galaxy. The most beautiful person I could meet inside and out. I wish you could always see yourself the way I do. You are inspiring and you deserve everything you get. I've had the time of my life slaying dragons with you as your best friend. Thank you for always being there for me.

Love Always, Bri
PS: You will always be my four leaf clover.

With or Without

2010-11-07T13:52:00.000-06:00

Last weekend was a blast! I honestly don't know how long it has been since I've had that much fun. The weekend helped me realize that people appreciate me. I learned just how many people have to deal with stupid people and stupid shit. I got to spend time with my friend Emily (who I haven't seen in forever) and be mysterious. It was nice to have a few drinks and have boys flirt with me. Nice to not have people knowing my history and having preconceived notions. People actually excited about getting to know me.

My fun starts with Friday. My favorite fellow pastry chef Emily Barnstead was having a huge bash at the Hilton. I wasn't sure if I should go because I knew only Emily, but swallowing my fears and went anyways. I met some awesome people and I was glad I went because I had fun! It was so uplifting to know that I can be extremely drunk and keep my head on straight. I was able to drink, have fun, and not make stupid decisions. It makes me proud of myself. To know I'm stronger than most people.

We woke up Saturday morning and checked out of the room. Heather, Emily, and I headed to the MOA to hang out. Emily and Heather got Chipotle and after lunch we went to Le Gourmet Chef. We found out Kelly Clarkson was having a concert in the mall. WHAT LUCK! We stayed until the concert was over and then I had to leave.

I then drove to Maple Grove to meet my cousins at Dave and Buster's. That place is amazingly fun. We ate dinner, played awesome games, and I used my ticket to get a Dave and Buster's mug and an MP3 for Love Like Woe by The Ready Set. I drove home and chilled with my brother. I watched Camp Rock 2 and we made cinnamon rolls.

I woke up Sunday in the best mood. Maybe it was the extra sleep, but I've been in a pretty good mood since. I helped my. Great Grandma with her computer problems. Came home and relaxed watching television. All in all it was a good weekend. Full of things to do and a brilliant way of showing me that I can have fun no matter what.

Speak Now

2010-10-30T15:55:00.002-05:00

I've been inspired by music lately. Have you ever been in one of those moods that makes you just want to scream at the top of your lungs? Some days it might be the excitement of a new crush and trying to figure out how to let him know. Other days it is the bitter betrayal of a broken heart and a stupid boy that created it. In every case we tend to keep the peace and lock these statements inside of our soul. This past week I've been in love with Taylor Swift's new album "Speak Now" and it has reminded me how important these unspoken moments are in our lives. So here is my album review:

Mine - This is a story song and I immediately fell in love with it when it was leaked in August. It talks about people understanding how lucky they are to have found each other. It talks about the first meeting, the journey to love, and the ultimate survival of a relationship. It talks about blessings and the more I listened to this song I realized that my (now ex boyfriend) didn't see me as the blessing I was. So when the relationship finally ended in September listening to this song allowed me to remember that one day I will find the man like the one in the song.

Sparks Fly - I'm still not a huge fan of this song, but I do agree that it is catchy. I like the visual picture it gives me of an average couple fighting in a rainstorm (both literal and emotional). Finally they understand love each other and kiss. I think of Allie and Noah from the epic scene in the Notebook.

Back to December - This song explains about all the mistakes you think about after a relationship is over and how you feel like you need to apologize for. I adore the song. Even though I fully understand that Jordan cheating on me was not my fault. I know I was not perfect in the relationship. I know there are things I could have changed, but the end still happened. Maybe the songs brings me back to a year ago when Jordan and I broke up for the first time. Back then I had regrets and I know that I make mistakes. However now after all the crap he has put me through and the time he betrayed me last December. I know that I did all I could.

Speak Now - When I first hard this song I thought it was odd. However the more I listen to it the more I love it for its lyrics. It is about that moment in a wedding when the preacher says to "speak now or forever hold your peace." What if you don't hold the peace? What if you know the person you love is making a terrible mistake? It is about being brave enough to say I will love you more than her. A sarcastic play on the mind.

Dear John - This song is about John Mayer. The first time I heard it I felt eerie and cold. I related to the grown up broken heart. When you emerge from the rubble of a breakup you begin to see why it ended in the first place. You see how it was wrong. You open your eyes for the first time and see how love blinded you until the end. That you bought into the sick twisted games.

Mean - This is a true gritty country song. It also says exactly what I would say to Cole Jellings. It talks about people being rude for no reason other than to make themselves feel better. Just because they can bully others, they do. The song talks about taking the higher road and realizing that these types of people will always be unhappy so why sink to their level? Eventually people are going to get sick of the crap. Outsiders will how pathetic the mean people are because they have nothing better to do with their lives but be mean. Why?

Story of Us - Another one of those songs tht is growing on me. It is a song about remembering how easy it was to talk to the person you loved and now finding it hard to even be in the same room. It is about taking the fairy tale you created in your head and editing it. It is about those awkward moments you wish you didn't have to go through.

Never Grow Up - This is a really important song for me. It reminded me about trying to stay as young as you can when you are able.It is a soft lullaby that tells you there is plenty of time to worry about the future. Enjoy the times your have being young and respect the idea that life will happen in time.

Enchanted - This is a fairly new song for me because I've only listened to it a handful of times, but I like it. It is about a crush. About looking at someone and feeling the butterflies no matter what age. Having moments that click and wishing on stars that you might one day have this person look at you with affection. It is a sweet giggly song about dreams and fairy tales inside of your head.

Better Than Revenge - This has to be one of my favorite songs off the new album. It talks about exposing a slutty girl for who she is. It is about explaining that throwing your body at someone else's boyfriend not only is a true move of slutish proportion, but just wrong. It also pisses people off in a way you can't expect. It is a karmic song that I wholeheartedly dedicated to Cassandra Stein-Tronnier. This my dear friends is the girl who threw herself at Jordan (with Cole Jelling's vivid encouragement) and slept with Jordan the night before he broke up with me. The easiest girl in the whole world I hear because she waited naked in his bed for him to come back to his dorm. This song just reminds me the "she is better known for the things that she does on the mattress." She is the kind of girl that one day is going to know how pathetic she is and I can't wait. She thinks I would have forgotten her horrible behavior, but I can say with certainity no.

Innocent - This is a song that I am able to understand forgiveness. It helps me move to a place where I don't hate Jordan. I think about him and how grateful I am for his presence in my life. Even though it ended like a bad car crash and despite all the bad things I know that there is still a good person in his heart. I hope he finds that person someday. That innocent boy that can be respected. I should remember tht it was difficult for Jordan in those last weeks. I mean he wasn't perfect, but he was horrible either. His innocence was lost with slutty girls who threw themselves at him and supposed best friends that tell them to. How the same 'best buddy" tells you every day how much he hates your girlfriend and that you have to stop seeing her. I can't blame Jordan for being too weak in the face of stupidity and pressure.

Haunted - This is one of the songs I don't listen to often, but I think it explains how each memory that used to make you laugh and smile now fills you will heartbreak and pain.

Last Kiss - This is my favorite song on the album. Listening to this song I felt for the first time my sadness of losing a three year relationship. I realize that I actually miss Jordan. Maybe I miss the Jordan he used to be before he cheated. Once the dreadful act was done I lost all affection towards the tragic Jordan he is now. This is the song that makes me remember how he left. That no matter what I did or how many times he told me he would never let me go, that he loved me. Somewhere down the line I didn't believe him anymore and I was correct in my assumptions. "Last Kiss" is about the silly memories you tend to think about in those quiet moments. I don't want Jordan back in my life; especially considering how he threw me away for a one night stand. I mean this is something we talked about doing together at one point and yet he did it with someone he barely knew. I love this song for its raw honest pain. It is the one song out of all of the songs I've been listening to that actually says everything I feel, but have been too afraid to admit to everyone; even myself. A sad bittersweet song about loss and knowing that it is ok to be sad. It is a part of life.

Long Live - This is a super positive song about embracing the memories in life. Don't take anything for granted and drink in every moment. It is about knowing changes happens in life. Good ones and bad ones, happy ones and sad. However capturing these painful moments and letting them grow into healing ones trying to never let he song is about screaming at the top of your lungs, giggling at inside jokes with your best friend, waking up to see a sunrise and loving the things that make you happy. Loving what is good for you. This is such an empowering song.

That is my review. I totally recommend this album for everything girl with something to say. So Speak Now!

You Gotta Swim

2010-10-14T22:14:00.004-05:00

Hello Blog Friends! It has been a surprisingly successful month for me. I have been dealing with some things and surviving without too much trouble. I have started moving on with life and loving the power of music. It has been awhile since I have done a music list and here is one. Music has been my saving grace allowing me to see the difference between remember memories and letting go of people when they don’t match them anymore.

So here are the 15 Most Important Songs that have connected with me this past month:

1) Always – Switchfoot
“These are the scars, deep in your heart. This is the day you were born. And this is the hold, where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you’ve been torn.”

2) Circle the Drain – Katy Perry
“Thought that I was the exception, I could have rewrite your addiction. You could've been the greatest, but you'd rather get wasted. You fall asleep during the play, 'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte. I'm not sticking around to watch you go down. Wanna be your lover, not your fucking' mother. Can't be your savior, I don't have the power. I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain.”

3) Defying Gravity – Glee Kids
‎"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well if that's love? It comes at much too high a cost. I'd sooner buy Defying Gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm Defying Gravity. I think I'll try Defying Gravity. And You Won't Bring Me Down."

4) Solider – Anna Nalick
“She was a pretty Texas girl, the answer to his prayers. He called me to tell me he'd fallen in love with her. She sang like an angel, loved like a friend. And she made my soldier believe he could live again.”

5) Should Have Said No – Taylor Swift
“You should've said no, you should've gone home. You should've thought twice before you let it all go. You should've known that word, bout what you did with her. Would get back to me... And I should've been there, in the back of your mind. I shouldn't be asking myself why? You should've said no, baby and you might still have me.”

6) More Like Her – Miranda Lambert
“Then you realized you wanted what you had. I guess I should've been more like that. I should have held on to my pride; I should have never let you lie. I guess you got what you deserved. I guess I should've been more like her. Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am. You don't look much like a man from where I'm at.”

7) Impossible – Shontelle
“Falling out of love is hard. Falling for betrayal is worst. Broken trust and broken hearts. I know, I know... if you're done with embarrassing me. On your own you can go ahead tell them. Tell them all I know now, shout it from the roof tops. Write it on the skyline. All we had is gone now. Tell them I was happy and my heart is broken. All my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible.”

8) Every time You Lie – Demi Lovato
“I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face. A long list of gentlemen; happy to take your place. Less trashier, much classier, then who you prove to be. How long's it gonna take before you see that she's no me. I knew better than to let you break my heart. This soul you'll never see again, won't be showing scars. You seem to love her I can see it in your eyes. The truth is all that I can hear. Every time you lie.”

9) Who Knew – Pink
“If someone said three years from now. You'd be long gone. I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong. I knew better cause you said forever and ever. Who knew?”

10) Swim – Jack’s Mannequin
“You've gotta swim. Swim for your life. Swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive. You gotta swim. Swim when it hurts. The whole world is watching, you haven't come this far to fall off the earth. The currents will pull you away from your love. But just keep your head above.”

11) Steel City – My Favorite Highway
“It all came undone, the moment you meant it. I honestly can't believe coincidence and possibility could sway, but I'll try and explain baby. I wanna be fixed, I wanna be broken. I wanna be closed, I wanna be open. When stars and hearts align I'm sure you'll come to find the love we had was blind. She says December will help me remember.”

12) This Ain’t A Love Song – Scouting for Girls
“And I'm a little bit lost without you. And I'm a bloody big mess inside. And I'm a little bit lost without you. This ain’t a love song this is goodbye.”

13) I Look So Good (Without You) – Jessie James
“Hey I'd never would of thought that when you left me I'd feel sexy n so good in my skin again. And I'd never would of known that I'd be dreamin' so much better without you in my head. Standing in front of the mirror my clothes never fit better, my life's never been brighter. I look so good without you. Got me a new hairdo. Lookin' fresh n brand new. Since you said "that we're through." Done.. with your lies, baby now my tears dried . You can see my brown eyes. Ever since you said goodbye. I look so good, I look so good without you.”

14) Not Like The Movies – Katy Perry
“Snow white said when I was young, "One day my prince will come." So I wait for that date. They say its hard to meet your match, I gotta find my better half. So we make perfect shapes. If stars don't align, if it doesn't stop time, if you can’t see the sign, wait for it. One hundred percent, with every penny you spend. He'll be the one that finishes your sentences. If it's not like the movies, that’s how it should be. When he's the one, you'll come undone, and my world will stop spinning. That’s just the beginning.”

15) Mine – Taylor Swift
“Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known.
Then, you took me by surprise when you said, "I'll never leave you alone." You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water and every time I look at you, it's like the first time. I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter. She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

That as you can see has been my journey. Starting kind of sad and bitter, but coming out strong and hopeful. One day I will find someone that will know how lucky they are. Something that will let themselves be mine. Good Night Bloggers and Friends!

Paper Cuts on Paper Hearts

2010-10-03T21:14:00.000-05:00

Last weekend was lovely blog friends and followers. With all the junk I’ve had to put up with lately and all the stress I’ve had to endure; it was nice to have a weekend to myself. As I made myself some homemade mac and cheese I waited for it to finish the last few minutes of baking I looked at a paper cut I had gotten two weeks before. While looking down at the previous paper cut I noticed it was starting to heal. The cut was barely visible and starting to disappear. It was as if it had never happened. The memory was there, but the details had gotten a little hazy. I also remembered some other wounds can be inflicted and take a little longer to heal, but I believe the concept is very much the same. About three weeks ago I had a slice through my paper heart, but I notice with time all scars heal, all broken hearts fade and life goes on. Leaving you much stronger than you were before.

It was amazing to have time to myself and reflect on all the things that make me happy. I got to do things for myself and remember the amazing person I used to be. I went to the mall; listened to music while dancing around my living room and hung out with friends I haven’t seen in forever. I realized that three weeks is almost a month and that I am mending with each passing day. It is ok to take things one day at a time. I know it will always be a day to day thing like a recovery from being addicted to something so long. I will always be an addict for him, but with each moment that comes I find myself wanting him less and less. I guess after someone lies to you and cheats on you (yeah, he slept with someone else) not even being able to tell you the truth in the end left me quitting this addiction cold turkey. I’m excited to see myself recovering and if I already feel this good about myself after three weeks there is no limit to the strength I will be able to find in myself. Soon it will be three months and even three years from now. Eventually this will just be a distant memory of a stupid boy and an evil ex. I look forward to living in the future instead of an unreachable past. (You should go back to October of 2006 and remember when I said this before. It is kind of funny.)

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t unhappy, but as I have stated before it is for different reasons. Maybe I’m scared because I know this isn’t who Jordan wanted to be. He is the guy he feared he’d become and the one he wanted me to help him avoid. In the end I couldn’t save him from his own demons. In the last few weeks I’ve heard so many things Jordan has been doing and it makes me sad for him. An alternative person that I don’t even know anymore has consumed him. It is easier to move on knowing that although I am not perfect, I did nothing wrong. Maybe I could’ve done more, but would that have really changed him sleeping with the other girl? I’m still a beautifully strong young women with hope and a future that will have a prince charming and heart that loves me more than I can imagine in this moment. Jordan's life now consists of getting drunk every night, smoking pot all the time, sleeping with eighteen year olds and leaving them when he is bored with them. (Or realizes that they will always just be a constellation prize next to me. That they will never love him the way I once did.)

It is hard to really live when you aren’t sober and I’m afraid of what will happen when that finally happens to him. I’ve heard of how Jordan has moved from girl to girl and at first it made my scars (even the ones he didn’t cause) open up. It makes me mournful to see what kind of serial dater (I use this term loosely considering the time with each “girl”) he has become. I’m not upset though or even jealous I know that I will always be the one that got away. The one girl he loved at one time so intensely that he won’t ever forget. It is kind of tragic to think I’m the only girl he may ever LOVE the way love is suppose to be and he cheated on me. I understand this might make little to no sense however I guess what I’m trying to say is that it is ironic to know that I may never leave his heart as easily as he will leave mine. It is nice to see that he might be having a great time right now, but none of it is real. Nothing with these girls is true or anything compared to what we had together. I know Jordan loved me at one point and I guess I feel blessed to have found that love and lost it. I feel blessed that I get to find someone that is real and will truthfully be in love with me the way Jordan never could.

For it makes my heart feel delighted to move on from first love to true love. Knowing one day I will find something ten times as intense as what I felt with Jordan. A real man that is able to give me those kinds of feelings will deserve everything I have to offer. I’m giving my now laminated heart time to process and fix itself knowing one day I will fall in love again. This time being able to have someone fall in love back. I get the joy of knowing I fell in love with someone with my whole heart and they were the one that let me down. I was brave and they were not. I get to truly fall in love and commit to someone that will commit to me while my ex-boyfriend will continue to flirt and f*ck around. I could pout or I could persevere. I’m choosing the second option.

The Future Starts With Goodbye

2010-09-17T23:40:00.005-05:00

When I was a senior in high school I remember knowing exactly who I was and what kind of person I wanted to end up with. I knew the traits I wanted in a man. With the recent demise of my first serious relationship and the one in which I first fell in love I decided to look at this blog again. http://chocolatedreams-mochamint19.blogspot.com/2007/04/guy-you-wont-find-online.html

As I read the blog from an eighteen-year-old I began to see how different I was from most of the people my age and even people that are this age now. I see what an old soul I’ve always been. I also began to see that my ex-boyfriend (seems weird, but it has only been a week) had a lot of potential to be that kind of man, but always lacked the drive or maturity.

So I realize that instead of dwelling on the man he could never be I should make a revised list of the man I look forward to finding eventually.

WARNING YOU STILL MAY NOT FIT:

I’m still not going to find a man on Myspace (I don’t even use it anymore and I highly doubt grown men do either) I want a man that is close to god and will help me in my struggles with my faith. Not only my faith in god, but the faith I seem to lose in myself. I want a man that is still a virgin. I know this is like find a needle in a giant haystack, but I really don’t feel like being compared to some other girl before me. I don’t want to be in a competition with someone I’ve never met. I want a man that can think about the consequences of his actions and how they might effect the people he loves. I want a man that will be faithful to me. A man that doesn’t need to ‘test the waters’ with others to remind him that I am the one for him. I want a man with a big family. Lots of brothers and sisters because I feel this allows people to learn to share and to care about others. I want a man with a big family that will embrace me and make me feel loved also. A man with a family that will protect me and care about my struggles. I remember being eighteen and wanting to find a boy that played guitar. Now that I’ve found him as well as lost him I realize that guitars are great, but I’m more of a piano girl. I want a piano man. I’ve always loved piano driven rock and love songs that echo in the soul. A man that composes soft lullabies for me and any children we may have. I want someone that will sing outside of my window with pebbles, yeah I know this may be a stretch, but I girl can still dream. I want a man that knows what he has and doesn’t gamble with losing it. I want a clean man that doesn’t smoke or use drugs. Someday I will find a man that doesn’t need to drink too much either; a man that I don’t have to clean up after. I want a man that wants to take me out, but doesn’t mind staying in. I want someone that makes me feel beautiful no matter how I may look. A man that finds me sexy in a tank top and PJ pants. I want a man that won’t break me apart when we have disagreements. A man that I can maturely work out problems with and that will listen to me. I want a man that I don’t have to heatedly argue with, but just we can just agree to disagree. I want a man that can stick up for the woman he loves. I will find a real man that will protect me. A man that will think for himself even when his friends tell him I’m no good. I man that is brave enough to commit to me and fall so deeply in love with me that I don’t have to question his love. I want the type of man that doesn’t lie to me and that is courageous enough to tell me the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it is a lot better than being betrayed by a lie. The man that will help my stress melt away and help me to not sweat the small stuff. I want the man that can tell me it will be ok and I can actually believe him. I still want compilations of the type of guy like that one in the first blog just an older, wiser, more mature and revised version. He won’t be a guy, but a real man. Because even though my heart is a little bruised and broken I know I deserve that.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not looking for one right away. I was very much in love with my last relationship, but I understand that you can’t hold on forever. Especially after someone cheats on you. It was three years of my life that I can’t just throw away. I will repeat I’m not throwing them away, just realizing that I can’t change anything and it is time to grow up. I think this is the time for me to focus on what type of woman I am after three years. However one day I will find the man I was always suppose to be with and I look forward to it. The type of man I described.

“I guess its gonna to have to hurt. I guess I’m going to have to cry. And let go of some things I’ve loved to get to the other side. I guess its gonna break me down. Like falling when you’re trying to fly.

It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.”
–Carrie Underwood

When All Is Said And Done

2010-09-13T18:49:00.001-05:00

I apologize blog friends, but this might be a long one. A tragic story filled with many sighs. It tells of a bittersweet sadness, but not for the reasons you may think.

It is in this moment on a quiet Monday night that I find myself 22 years old and single. I think the word “single” is a little ridiculous like you will always just be one, alone. I already know that I am never alone. I have a good strong family, I have amazingly loving supportive friends, and I have a god that will never leave me. I will be ok eventually and the sting will fade. I am feeling much stronger than I thought I would or could be. I am sad about the demise of my three-year relationship. However if it was so easy for him to throw it away did I have a good man? If I wasn’t a little sad I think it would make people believe it didn’t mean anything to me, when it did, very much. Which is obviously is not how he felt.

Yet blog friends I’m not broken. My heart might be bruised, but all damaged hearts heal with time. Maybe I’ve had some time to prepare? Maybe I knew the moment Cole locked his unwarranted hatred towards me I never had a chance. I tried; oh blog friends you have seen countless entries of how much I tried to get past a whole summer of Cole’s selfishness.

I’m going to miss Jordan very much. He has hurt me countless times throughout our relationship, but I could never hate him. I tried for a very long time to work things out and be patient with him as he attempted unsuccessfully to grow up. Nonetheless I think he needs this life lesson, losing the best thing he will ever have to his own immaturity. This will be what changes him into a stupid drug addict or shock him into being a man. I’m sorry I couldn’t be his savior, but I don’t have that kind of power anymore. You can save people, but you can’t change them. Three years is kind of difficult to erase from someone’s life, even if he doesn’t see that yet. At least for me it is impossible to erase no matter how many pictures disappear off Facebook. I met Jordan when I was eighteen years old and I just turned twenty-two. That is a long time to be with someone and have it end in nothing but a broken heart by a cheating love. I understand that sometimes we grow up into completely different and separate people. I am going to miss the Jordan he used to be not the one that Cole has turned him into. I’m going to miss the boy in the brown sweater, the one that would kiss my forehead, or spin me around when he used to hug me. The guy that would call me sunshine and tell me that I would always be the most beautiful women to him. Cole has ruined every last good thing about Jordan and replaced it with a guy that would rather get drunk and make out with teenagers.

Cole has killed the Jordan I fell in love with. So…I don’t really have anything to mourn, because maybe I lost the person I fell in love with a long time ago. I was just too afraid to see it. I should have known that I wouldn’t overcome the wrath of a selfish young man who claims to be Jordan’s best friend. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve had a best friend for about eleven or twelve years and she has never even thought of pulling this kind of shit. She… is a true best friend.

What kind of “best friend” tortures you endlessly into breaking up with a girlfriend? Tortures you so badly that you can’t sleep at night. That you feel so stressed that you need to turn towards drinking. Hey guys, do any of your best friends purposely get you smashed and tell other people to make out with you? A true friend doesn’t leave you in St. Cloud drunk to fend for yourself.

I know that before the whole Cole hating me thing Jordan and I had our fair share of problems. However why were ours any different than most? Why couldn’t we work them out without anyone else intervening. It is funny though looking back throughout the years how most of the times I was angry with Jordan; Cole seemed to always be in the background. I feel really bad for not liking Cory when it looks like it was Cole I had to fear. Cole was always the one that could convince Jordan to do anything. In Ely he claimed “It would be our last time,” when he convinced Jordan to smoke pot. Cole was the one that tried to convince him to hug some topless girl. Cole convinced Jordan to do a lot of stupid shit, why should this be any different. It won’t matter the sadness that may find me these next few days I feel slightly blessed. I do kind of feel an odd feeling of relief that a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. ( Like literally this guy is kind of out of shape). Maybe I dodged a bullet by not marrying a drunk?

I really shouldn’t give Cole all the credit. Jordan drunk or not should have been able to understand the concept of cheating on someone. Knowing that hitting on anyone and then making out with someone is just wrong when you already have girl that loves you. What hurts the most is that he has moved on so quickly. Like three years with me meant so little to him. I did a sad thing today and I went to her Facebook page. What stings is reading how she “Found herself a guitar playing indie boy that gives the best hugs!” A part of me wanted to scream. That is really nice, but he didn’t belong to you. I thought after being cheated on you would know better? I guess not? Then I thought to myself; good luck with him.

So… sadly I say good bye to my first love, but when all is said and done I deserve so much better. I look forward to the man that will love me forever and not the boy that dumps me for the first 19 year old slut that bats her eyes at him. When all is said and done I’m going to be ok. Cole can say all the shit he wants, but the fun thing is I don’t ever have to stress about him anymore. He has disappeared along with the years Jordan threw away.

When all is said and done, I will finally find a real man.

Let That Be Enough

2010-09-07T19:55:00.004-05:00

“It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy.”

I was thirteen the first time I heard this song. At thirteen my life felt so far away from what Jon Forman was talking about. I’ve always admired his lyrics and have been inspired by the songs he writes. It seemed like so many years since I would understand the bewildered feelings of twenty-two and yet here I sit on my computer the day after my twenty second birthday. The past two days I’ve been listening to Switchfoot’s Let That Be Enough and I’ve finally been able to understand it so much better.

I realized that everyone in their twenties is confused and nobody really knows the answers to life, especially at twenty-two. I’ve had the most interesting, infuriating, distracting and craziest year. It wasn’t the worst year and it wasn’t the best, but it is year that makes me yearn for a change. I’m ready to come up with adult solutions to other people’s high school problems; I’m ready to be a strong role model for my peers and the people that look up to me. I’m ready to feel and focus on god’s presence in my life. I’ve had to deal with so much crap this past year and even more just in the past week. I’m ready to live this year of my life in the name of love.

I want to hold my head up high this year knowing that no matter what others may think or say I am a good person. I will live my life at twenty-two remembering how to love god, love myself, and love the people who are important in my life. I deserve good things in my life. I deserve everything I’ve worked hard for, every last person that has the courage to love me and I deserve to be able to love them in return. I know with god in my heart that anything is possible. With the purity in my soul and the drive in my spirit I’ll have a good year. I have found a graceful new wisdom in twenty-two that I never had in twenty-one. Twenty-one is the year of foolish recklessness and although I do not regret any time I also do not wish to stay in that mindset. I’m excited to leave twenty-one behind because I realize it is just one year in so many to come. Now I look forward towards a future and working hard to be able to have the things I want. Someday I want to get married and have a family, but I need to establish myself. I need to live my life the best way I know how and not let others tell me otherwise. I’m the only person that knows my life and I want to live maturely. I’m still young enough to know how exciting life still is and yet old enough to know that it doesn’t last forever. The goal this year is to find the balance between being youthful and being smart. Let that be enough.

These is my life verse for today:

Colossians 1:17
“He is before all things and in him all things hold together.”

1 Peter 4:19
“So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.”

Maybe they are my life verses for this year?

Do Only Fools Fall In Love?

2010-08-28T12:23:00.002-05:00

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu

On Wednesday I celebrated being in a relationship with someone for three years. The last three years have not always been wonderful, yet they have taught me so much about myself and love. At sixteen years old I thought I knew what it would take to love someone and wishing on stars to find it. I had wanted this for so long and now that I’m much older, much wiser I’ve noticed how much hard work really goes into a relationship.

Relationships I’ve come to learn are not always kisses and hugs. Being in a three year relationship has taught me about tough life lessons you eventually need to learn and the only person that can teach them to you. I’ve learned that trust is highly needed, but not always easily found. I’ve learned lately about forgiveness in the face of selfish behavior and bad influences. I’ve learned to how fight hatred with purity and love because isn’t that what god hoped for when he created love:

1 Corinthians: 4 - 8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

True love never fails. I don’t know what it is, but I’m head over heels. I’ve been in love with the same guy since I was nineteen and there is something so beautifully innocent about that. I’m so glad that I’ve grown up in a relationship with Jordan because he has taught me numerous times through disappointment and a few break ups that is important to work through things. I’m stronger than people give me credit and I’m so much smarter too. I know that maybe only fools really fall in love, but I can’t help it. If god can have an undying love for me throughout my darkest moments then surely I can work through Jordan’s.

I’m not a psychic and I want to believe that this will last, but I don’t know. I can always have my hope. I can always persevere through distance and negative influences that may burden our love and strain our bond. I want to make goals for myself, be more understanding this year. These are things I need to do to keep my relationship healthy and survive the evil world.

I love Jordan very much. He is the most frustrating person at times and something he makes the dumbest decisions. However I can’t help myself around him. God is an amazing god. He has brought me a guy that has awakened every emotion I’ve ever had and even more I didn’t know I had. I want every one of my moments to count with Jordan. I’m tired of wasting them on petty arguments and stupid people that are not worth our time. I’m going to miss him greatly when he leaves tomorrow. It will be a challenge with odd stacked against us, but I’m in it to win. People giggle and some roll their eyes thinking it is more of a comfort thing. Honestly it is because I feel safe around him. He takes care of me when I’m sick and makes sure nobody messes with me. He is a good boyfriend and I feel bad for forgetting that at times. Maybe only fools fall in love? Maybe a year from now I will curse and call myself a “stupid bitch” I’m just willing to fight ‘til the end. I’m not going to change myself and I’m not going to let his asshat of a friend change MY boyfriend. Jordan is much too good for him.

Toxic

2010-08-17T18:29:00.000-05:00

It has been a pretty fascinating summer and I am glad for every sunny morning and every last rainy night. I have learned so many life lessons in my life this past year and I feel this summer was god’s way of leading me on a path towards him again. This summer I believe I have learned the most important lessons. God has taught me about people and what you can accomplish with them around you. The good ones build you up and make you feel like your goals are attainable.
The bad ones are toxic and need to be detoxified from your living space.

There has been one little nuisance that has followed me this summer. Let us be honest because we blogger friends know it by the name of Cole Jellings.

I don’t really know what is up with Cole these days nor do I wish to waste anymore of my valuable time trying to figure it out. This blog I promise young bloggers is not about whining or self discovery about why some scared moron doesn’t like me because believe me I’ve SO moved past that. Now I know blog friends you might be saying to yourselves “Well then why are you writing about it Brianna?”

The simple reason is because I owe it to myself. After all the shit he has said about me behind my back. All the lies he has told about me and my character.
One last written statement; for it is this moment that I’ve realized that I have lost even the slightest friendly feeling towards Cole mama’s boy Jellings. I don’t particularly care for him that much or even respect him anymore. I don’t care about what he said, no, not anymore. I kind of believe he is a naïve little teenager. Studies have shown that excessive pot use keeps you in the mindset of the age you start doing it. I don’t blame him for being confused. I don’t hate him at all despite what he did to my best friend Amanda. I have already seen how much healthier she is without his toxicity in her life and I know she is much better without him (or his mother). However what I do blame him is for the way he handles his problems. Cole has become one of the most catty and judgmental people I have met. He is fake to the core and you can tell by the lies he spouts off to you daily. He could of handled the situations a lot better and honestly I believe everyone that interacts with him deserves a lot better. He is lost in a world where he cannot coup and so he handles his obstacles with immaturity and outright stupidity. If it isn’t with drugs, it is with alcohol (yes I know this is also I highly addictive drug) and if not that he resorts to childish games in which he only knows the rules. People like these bother me greatly. This is the big league Cole and you don’t even know how to play in this world of adulthood.

In his only defense he wasn’t always the blockhead he is now. It is sad to see what a decent guy he used to be and to watch him spiraling into this shell of self-importance. He used to have integrity and I really wish I could trust his friendship again, if ever he actually was a real friend to me. Which I’m starting to see he wasn’t. I don’t pity him nor do I sympathize with him because he has made a messy bed and he must now learn to lie in it. He had a good chance to turn his life away from the horrible pit it will eventually go into. He is in denial if he thinks smoking pot is a going to make him happy. News-flash dimwit: It won’t! It will only lead to harder drugs and a long list of failed relationships and regrets. The pot has already started killing the best parts of who he was what makes him think it won’t kill the rest of him?

I will be damned if I let his toxins take away anything that is important to me. He won’t take away my self-respect, he can’t take away my love of a real life, he will never take the pure honesty in my heart. He can’t break my spirit or even my relationship with god. Eventually he will learn that love trumps all other evil things. Like my love for Jordan.

I would do anything for that boy and that is what true love is. It isn’t a possessive thing, but a protective thing. So here we are blog friends. I have been in love with Jordan since I was nineteen years old and I’m not going to let some foolish mama’s boy with erectile dysfunction ruffle my radiant feathers. You see this little swan fights rough. AND SHE WINS!

Silent, yet deathly serious. She is like word ninja destroying every toxic person in her path. She does it with beauty and grace. Still keeping her dignity intact. Beware if you cross paths with her, because you will not come out alive.

A Blog of Epic Epicness

2010-08-13T02:55:00.000-05:00

It is in the early hours of the morning in which I do my most thought provoking thinking. Some nights I fall asleep gently and easily. Other nights like tonight I find myself much too focused to sleep. It could have been the excessive amounts of soda I’ve had or the pure enjoyment of the day, but I find myself with a small bit of insomnia.

Tonight I am pondering the quickness in which summer has passed. Moments I thought would never come in November have approached and some have even come and gone. Twilight premieres, wedding receptions, and even relationships have dissolved into simple memories forever locked into minds and photographs.

However as the summer days flash by there are always those precious days in which you wish on the stars above your head that they would last just a few hours longer. Today was one of those days for me. The day started like any other, but there was a good feeling of bliss and purity in the sun that woke me up. After three days of getting up early it was nice to sleep in until the godliness of the afternoon. I called Jordan and we decided that the pool was the place to be. We swam for about two hours until we became hungry and stopped at Dairy Queen for lunch and ice cream awaiting the epic tale of Scott Pilgirm.

I just got back from the movie and it was AMAZING. It has me so frickin’ pumped! It is rather late, but the weather outside is as wild as the spirit inside my heart. The rain is pouring and the lightning flashes making my heart ponder endlessly. Ideas about how the further August moves on, the more I start to fear for some things.

Things like:
Jordan moving to River Falls to go to school.
What strain that this might put on our relationship?
What is going to change about the dynamics of our relationship?

I’m currently 21 years old and I am knowingly aware of how blessed I am. I have had a truly amazing and exciting year. It was a year of hellos and good-byes; full of tragic life lessons and plenty of memories. However as I begin to transition into 22 I’m faced with a great challenge. Is it any wonder that the thunder sounds when I begin typing “Long Distance Relationship”? This next year will be a huge lesson of faith, trust, and conviction in the face of many perils.

Perhaps Heidi Klum is right when she says, “Distance is the true test of love.”

It will be different, but I know that with god’s help I will be able to do anything I set my mind to, including a long distance relationship. The odds are stacked completely against us. Jordan has a very negative influence in his roommate. He is just starting to let his own thoughts shine through and not let others pressure him into doing stupid things. Jordan hasn’t really grown up much, however I’m excited to watch him grow this next year in so many ways.

So… wish me good luck and good faith, because I sure will need it.

A Symphony Of Sound

2010-07-31T16:04:00.003-05:00

“Where are you now? As I'm swimming through the stereo. I'm writing you a symphony of sound.”

Do you ever look at your life at one point and wonder how it will be five years from now. Well when I looked at my life five years ago. This isn’t exactly what I saw. Gosh when I started this in a world of The Click Five I couldn’t believe how fast five years would go. This is my fifth year of doing this music thing and blog friends can you even believe that? This past year of 2009/ 2010 was a year of lessons. I want to share this soundtrack for the lost and brokenhearted. This is for the people that don’t exactly know what they want yet or the ones that know exactly what they want but struggle trying to get it. This year of music is about letting them know that it is ok. It is ok to fall asleep and to love the way music soundtracks the things in your life. I remember last year looking forward and thinking that a lot was going to change this year. I hoped the being twenty- one would open a lot of doors for me. Well not much has changed on the outside, but I think a lot has changed within me on the inside. What I know for sure though is that I have found some amazing new bands and I’m glad I get to sit back and reflect with you on music about life, love, and so much more.

August 2009 – Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus: These girls are not new to me, but after last year filled with a lot of indie male driven bands I needed to be a totally girl. I love the way a good female pop song makes me feel like a teenager again. These two ladies do not disappoint. Starting with Demi Lovato I must say that I have fallen in love not only with her on Sonny with a Chance, but also with her amazing lyrics. In the start of August I was going through a rough patch with Jordan and heard the songs “World of Chances” and “Don’t Forget” that helped me feel better. The more I listened the more I enjoyed her fun and edgy pop songs like “La La Land.” That always reminded me to never forget whom I’m inside. Moving along with the Disney Channel buzz I couldn’t just choose stop listening to Miley Cyrus either. Her main song “The Climb” has helped me deal with a tough mountain in my life this past music year. “When I Look At You” became one of my favorite songs because of the beautiful lyrics and melody. I know some people think I’m silly for liking Miley, but I just love the way her songs are easy to remember and sing along to. From her early
“ 7 Things” to the new “Can’t be Tamed.” I can’t help but want to “Party in the USA.”

September 2009 – Quietdrive: On September 1st a few days before my 21st Birthday Jordan and I went to the Minnesota State Fair. I had a lovely time there and went on this day because of a free concert by a local band Quietdrive. I had heard their first major hit “Rise from the Ashes” and fell in love with their version of “ Time After Time.” They played an amazing live show and I ended up buying both of their albums that night. It was a blast. Throughout the month as I was feeling 21 and Invincible I was obsessed. My favorite song ended up being a softer melodic “Both Ways”. Talking about how being in a relationship is sometimes difficult. I enjoy listening to their hilarious “Daddy’s Little Girl” and “Promise Me”. They even had a song called “Birthday” that allowed me to enjoy my own.

October 2009 – Lily Allen: I am so enamored with this spunky little British girl. I remember being in High School and loving her song “Smile.” On youtube one night I decided to check out some music I used to listen to in high school. I then found her new album and fell in love with the song “The Fear.” The song is so great because it makes fun of the ditzy culture that we live in these days. It is about how our world is being taken over by the Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton type people. Who don’t really care about anything but themselves and I love the catchy thought provoking lyrics. The other song I listened to a lot of October as I found myself single for the first time in two years. The song is called “22” and it talks about how when you are in your early twenties you don’t realize what it is like to be vulnerable. How it feels like the world is an oyster and you have plenty of time to figure your life out. Then before you know it you are in your thirties and without a man life seems kind of dull. “It’s sad, but it’s true how society says her life is already over.” How some of the most beautiful women think they are nothing just because they are in a club at thirty and single. The music video for this song is amazing.

November 2009 – Owl City: Throughout the summer I heard rumblings of a new artist on the Horizon with a song called “Fireflies.” I held out for a while until I was on my friend Lauren’s Facebook page and she had the music video. I fell in love with the synthetic sound of a piano and Adam’s voice. I understood exactly what it meant to feel like an insomniac. I needed more and decided to get the album. Gaining my boyfriend back I learned a love lesson to “Saltwater Room.” As I loss the friendship of someone I listened to “Vanilla Twilight” a lot. However I think my favorite song has to be “Strawberry Avalanche.” With songs that have some amazing titles and sound so amazing it is difficult to not fall in love with Owl City. It is great music to fall asleep to. It is funny how an insomniac was able to write an album of lullabies.

December 2009 – David Gray: I think there is something about December that reminds me of out with the old and in with the new. Thus this winter month tends to make me listen to the 90’s. This year it happened to be David Gray. When I was younger I remember sitting in the car and listening to “Babylon.” There is just something so amazing about David’s Gray voice. It doesn’t matter what he sings I know it is him. In December he was on the Rachael Ray show and was promoting his new album and singing his song “Fugitive.” I knew it was god’s way of calming me down before the New Year. So I made it my mission to remember what made David Gray such a calming force in my life. I listened to some songs I haven’t listened to in forever like “Sail Away” and “This Years Love.” His songs have always had an element of love in them and my favorite “Be Mine” makes my heart sing smiling. Maybe someday Jordan will be able to make me feel love the way David Gray’s music makes me feel it.

January 2010 – Kings of Leon: Beginning a New Year is always exciting. With Kings of Leon it was epic. I remember “Use Somebody” was one of the first songs I heard while ringing in the new decade. I had heard of Kings of Leon a while back when Amanda shared “The Bucket” with me. Back then that was the only song that appealed to me. After the new year I started listening to them more and heard the racy “Sex is On Fire” falling even more into their new sound. Listening to songs like “Crawl” and “Closer” made me realize that this is what a real rock band sounds like. It was great way to ring in my New Years with the people I enjoyed. I remember listening to “Cold Dessert” during another breakup with Jordan. It reminded that some days you are left high and dry. Sad and uncertain, but you have to make it though.

February 2010 – Ingrid Michaelson: I have no idea how I got through February, but I give a lot of credit to Ingrid. It was a rough month after the fall out of a huge betrayal. It was tough to survive after being lied to and it hurt so bad. However Ingrid Michaelson has the perfect way of putting lyrics into music and making me “Be Ok.”
I remember in my first year of college listening to her song “They Way I Am” and enjoying it. “Maybe” was another one of those songs I’d hear on Cities 97 and sing along with, but it didn’t really capture me until on a whim I decided to get her album. I was sad because of Jordan for the beginning of February but she helped me learn how to “Keep Breathing.” I felt like a “Lady in Spain” went “Over The Rainbow” and became a “Solider” through her music. In the end I was able to see that maybe Jordan and I could get back to the old times and found my favorite song “You and I.” I fell in love with Ingrid and she is by far my favorite artist this year. I even got a shirt! She is the reason I decided to forgive Jordan, so he should be grateful to her also.

March 2010 – Hot Hot Heat: March was kind of a slow and confusing month trying to figure out how to make my relationship last and become healthier. Jordan borrowed me this fun pop band’s album. I listened to it and found a song I really liked. “Goodnight Goodnight.” Not really spectacular month for March, but I got through it. It was really difficult to find a band for March so I just chose this one. My ipod ended up dying and so I couldn’t really listen to a lot of music, so I blame that. Sorry?

April 2010 – The Script : This band from overseas is really good. Much like the band from the year before, Parachute this band has a way of mixing pop music with thought filled piano driven lyrics. Starting in April the radio stations started playing “Man Who Can’t be Moved” causing it to be stuck in my head and a constant of turning it up in the car. I enjoyed a few of their songs (Including Kris Allen’s new song) “Live Like We’re Dying.” However I think my favorite is their new one “Break Even.” It has a way of making you feel like pondering and even the first song I ever heard “Before The Worst” has a great sound. They are amazing! I love listening to bands from other countries.

May 2010 – Ryan Adams: I think I’ve always had a small sweet spot for Ryan Adams, but once he married Mandy Moore I realized he needed a special part in my music life. I fell in love with his music when I was fairly young and still a teenager when “Two” came out. I love the song and how it explains how two is better than one. Sometimes it is hard to see past Jordan’s faults at times. However with this song I am able to remind myself of the good things. My favorite song “When I The Stars Go Blue” is a little sadder. I heard a cover of this song by Will from Parachute and knew I needed the song right away. It is kind of funny because a few days in may I decided to watch Elizabethtown and was trying to find a song that I enjoyed from the movie that I never knew the name of. Turns out it was “Come Pick Me Up” by Ryan Adams. I think this is one of the things that convinced me. Mandy Moore did a good job picking a husband and I hope to find more of his music to love in the future.

June 2010 – Lady Gaga: As summer came so did the fun pop beats. I remember thinking last summer how annoying and weird Lady Gaga was. I think it was because I was afraid to admit how amazingly fun and catchy her songs are. I used to only like the song “Just Dance” but soon I started to like “Poker Face” too. Now I can’t go anywhere without wanting to hear “Alejandro” or “Bad Romance.” Maybe it is the new Glee wannabe in me or the episode they did dedicated to her, but she has become pretty darn amazing. I love listening to “Telephone” also and singing at the top of my lungs.

July 2010 – Miranda Lambert : Miranda Lambert plays amazing country music. Lately I’ve been constantly listening to “The House That Built Me” and feeling exactly how the song explains. I wish that I could go back to the days of youth and maybe I will feel better. I have been feeling a little sad and broken lately. Her song “Dead Flowers” also explains how sometimes I can’t seem to do anything to make myself feel better. How I live in a constant hurricane within me and all my boyfriend can say is everything will ok eventually. Wonder if eventually will ever come? It is difficult at time but with the love of her country beats I can cope a little better. She is like a wiser Taylor Swift singing about all sorts of things in her songs. From her early stuff like “Kerosene” to the newer stuff like “More Like Her” and “White Liar” I am sad to see July go, but glad I get to keep this country girl’s music with me. She has so many great songs, I guess I just need to end this music year with a little twang. It makes it more fun.

I’m a little sad to say goodbye to this fifth year because it reminds me how fast life rushes by. However there it is again the music of the year. Five years I can’t believe I have been doing this. Yet it really does make the world a little brighter for me. When my world seems like it is falling apart I know that I can always depend on music to be there for me. When my boyfriend abandons me for friends or just to be alone I am able to dive deep into a good song . I guess this was the year of my broken heart and trying to mend it. I remember writing last year and having a dream. I’m sorry to inform you that it didn’t happen, but that there is another lesson you learn after each year. After five years I have found I have had to learn more acceptance. Life is never going to be exactly what you expect it to be, but you have to find joys in the little things like my love of music and books. I did gain a new music show Glee. I look forward to the new season and where it takes the Glee kids. I don’t know where next year will bring me, but instead of making predictions I’m just going to live the next five years hoping for something good and embracing whatever life gives me. Like Miley says it is all about The Climb. Knowing that I can survive my moments in life by listening to good music and loving every minute of it.

What's So Great About Seventeen?

2010-07-29T13:35:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite children’s books and a beautifully done Disney film is Tuck Everlasting. While doing my nanny job this week I got the privilege of watching it. Something about the movie got me thinking. What is so magical about the age of seventeen?

For instance:
 Jesse Tuck will forever be seventeen
 Edward Cullen became a vampire at seventeen
 There is a book called Seventeenth Summer
 Zac Efron goes back to seventeen in Seventeen Again
 MTV has a television show about celebrities when they were seventeen
 There is even a magazine publication called Seventeen

Those are just a few examples that came to my mind, but still I don’t really understand the greatest of seventeen. Maybe it has something to do with the last year of true youth?

I remember when I was seventeen I was just starting my junior year of high school. I had a supportive group of friends whom I got to eat lunch with everyday. It was the first year I was allowed to go to prom and the first year in a while that I took the initiative to ask someone. It was the first year I started my music list and the year I got to see Switchfoot at the State Fair.

I had a pretty decent seventeenth year don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t imagine my eternity being that age. Maybe I say this now that I’m twenty-one and five years after the fact, but seventeen has never been my favorite year of my life. When I was seventeen not only did I have so many wonderful things happen to me I also had some bad things that I would rather forget. I learned a lot in my seventeenth year of life. Many lessons I wouldn’t trade and many memories I will always remember.

Yet I’ve learned so much since l was seventeen. I realize now how much I wish I’d known more back then. I’m a wise twenty-one year old on the verge of twenty-two. So instead of looking in the past hoping to be seventeen permanently I look forward to the future. Maybe growing up will give me the ability to learn even more. Seventeen years from this moment I will be almost forty and although I wonder where my life will be I know that this is for god to decide. I might laugh to myself during those days and maybe I might then wish to be seventeen again. I don’t really know, but the possibilities are endless.

Forever Emo and 21?

2010-07-24T01:25:00.004-05:00

Hey fellow bloggers and dear friends! Wow I can’t believe my lack of updates and I apologize for this. I’m not exactly sure what it has been lately, but I haven’t had the heart inside of me to write something. I have been really busy lately with a new job as a Nanny. I’m surprised, but maybe I’ve just had a case of writer’s block?

However tonight I think I’ve found my inspiration to write. It may be out of exhaustion and fear, but I find myself lost at only twenty-one. I’m sad to find that already wish to be young again. It seemed only yesterday that I was seventeen and feeling as if the age would never come, yet now that it has arrived I find myself wondering about the ignorant bliss of childhood. At first I thought how great being a young child must be. No worries, no thoughts of what the future might be like for them. They are free to believe what they want and free to be themselves without question or concern. They can say what they want and not have a huge backlash or fallout afterward. The concepts of maturity have shown me that this isn’t the truth and that evil still exists no matter what you do or believe. Sometimes you must dig a big whole and bury your castles.

In all the twenty- one years (almost twenty-two) that I’ve lived I’ve learned a lot. Whenever I feel like I’ve learned all I could this year I find myself mistaken and a new life lesson finds me. Some of them have been really important lessons lately. The first lesson came fairly early in the year and I found it as my first challenge. Letting go of a friend that I thought would always be with me. Throughout this year I’ve lost friends and security. I’ve lost love for Jordan; I’ve gained it back and even lost a few small pieces of myself that I can’t get back. Some of those pieces I know I’m better off without and some I wish I didn’t have to get rid of to make room for new ones. Tonight on the phone with said boyfriend I started thinking about the concept of being prepared. As much I try I have a hard time looking at what I have now and being grateful for it. The second lesson is an ongoing one and I find this one even more difficult.

It is the concept that everything happens in its own time. I’ve been listening to this song, You’re Gonna Be:

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase.
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay.
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good.
We just have to believe things work out like they should.
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be.

I just have to remember those lyrics no matter how much the ocean inside of me wants to drown me. I need to take a bunch of deep breaths and realize that I can only worry about the things that I can control. If I keep reminding myself that I will be ok, then eventually I will be.

So It Guess That Starts Now Good Night Folks.

PS: I will be back in a week to share with you a marvelous occassion!